Be U: Eating Too Much

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, July 6, 2016

Eating Too Much

I find myself eating too much; way too much for my level of activity.

I'm enjoying watermelon with blueberries and raisins, homemade macaroni and cheese, turkey sandwich, ranier cherries, ice cream, pizza, french fries, pistachios, and goldfish. And, this is just today. oh no no no no.

As I type it out, I am amazed at all the unhealthy foods and the amount of it. I'm stuck in this eating pattern. It is like I feel good while I am eating... I now understand, through doing it, what this is like. I don't feel comfortable inside of myself and I'm a bit angry at myself because 'I know better'.   So, I guess the saying 'when you know better, you do better' is not always accurate.!

It feels like I'm burying my desire to be out and connect. It scares me this much.

Yet, when I am out and I am connecting, it feels really great. It feels joyful.

What is a woman to do; a person to do, for that matter...

I sure hope that it leaves just like it came. From an unknown place; a subconscious place within myself. It is conscious now. Me eating all this food, I am very aware of it. And, I am choosing not to stop just now.

Am I beating myself up because I won't take the step to be living all that I am. I am ripping myself off and, perhaps, even 'shorting' some people that I could be helpful to.

I have great lessons to share and to offer and I am really choosing not to share them out of fear of failure, rejection, hurtful criticism, and I am afraid that I do not have the energy that I think that is necessary.

I got close. I got real close. Now, I have an ulcer on my thumb and there is a part of me that wants to give up, stop fighting and just give in.

I would tell a client that said this to me to go ahead and do it. Give up; stop fighting; give in. Perhaps, I will choose this just now.   My actions show that I have. My nerves and fight within tell me that I am not on the best road for me.

I would suggest giving in, stopping the fight BUT from a place of love for one's self. A place of understanding and compassion.

It has been difficult dealing with my hands, great pain, tight skin, and my lack of ability. It has been almost 40 years. That is a long time to keep on pressing through. This is a long time to not let dreams die, change change me to be negative nor failure to be an option.

Just what if it is not failure but a win. A win in a way that I accept my truth as it is. I just may have to live like this for the rest of my life.

I remember sitting on a big chair in my living room in Pennsylvania saying that I might as well accept that I am a child of abandonment. It is my truth. It is my experience. I always thought that if I gave in and accepted this truth it would make it so. How interesting that thought is. I realized it is so. I may as well state it as such; live it as such; accept it as such. And, right there, in that big chair in my living room, I gave in. I stopped fighting the truth that I didn't have a father that loved me like I needed. I gave up wanting it to be different.

Perhaps, it is time; it is what I need. To stop the fight, give in to the truth by fully accepting it and by giving up the dream that my hands will be different; that my body will live without dis-ease.

Hmm. Very interesting indeed.

So, I will sleep on these thoughts tonight. I will love myself through, allow gentleness and ask for help to accept my awesome self with a horrid dis-ease.

I know it could be so much worse. I know that I am me, hugely, because of this dis-ease.

I am a kind, deep, open and caring person. I can, most of the time, see above (or is it beneath) what is showing itself to me. I can feel other people and I care about all.

So, as I go to sleep tonight, I go with the intent to care greatly about myself, all of me; just as I am. I don't have to be different to live all that I am...

See where it takes me. Exciting.

I was asked to be on a radio talk show - "Spirit Radio". I told her I would so love to be but I'm not ready.

I will never be ready if I keep waiting to be different than who and what I am to the point of being dis-ease free. I'm tired of waiting.

I want a fresh start with myself and I am the only one that can give it to me.

If you are feeling like you'd like a fresh start, may you let your true self out and give yourself a fresh start. You are the only one that can.

May you give you your all from the place and person you are right now. May you let your world rock now. I believe in you. You can. You really can. In fact, in doing so, you honor life, yourself, your Creator, and every single person you come in contact with. This is huge and this is my wish for you (if you haven't already done so and if there is something within you that wants to).  Open up to a fresh start; a fresh perspective. Let's get it.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!