Be U: Stillness

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, July 29, 2016

Stillness

In the stillness of not feeling good, I see truth. In the stillness of feeling weak, I see strength. In the stillness of hurting, I see love.

I see all these things. But, what do I feel...

I feel horrible in my human body. I hurt. I suffer.   I know fear. I know quiet.

I'm at a point where I am not strong enough to keep reaching out for help from the doctors. It is my belief that they do not know what to do for me; what I need; what can be done to stop my suffering.

I took benedryl last night to rid myself of the 'Effexor rash' and it had a very weird reaction on me. I dreamt horribly angry and hateful situations. I just remember seeing myself in situations - I don't remember what they were - but I remember 'hating' them and not wanting to be there. And, I remember being there because of myself allowing someone else to put me there. My life was being tossed and turned not by me. There was someone else in control. And, I wasn't going to allow it anymore.

They thought big. They thought fancy. They thought go go go. I remember waking up very angry. I awoke to a terrible headache where I was afraid to move my head.

I still find myself dizzy and 'off'. I will not take more benedryl. My rash has gotten a lot better.

Oh what a journey.

It feels like my head just wants to re-up/re-vamp. Start fresh. Start over. To not allow; create; or to be in suffering anymore.

I did not do a good job at acquiring antibiotics. So, I will go the weekend without them. I just hear a voice saying I am tired; I am tired; I am tired.

This part of being human is not even close to fun. This part of being human is challenging. This part of being human feels really lousy.

I keep thinking on the other side of this though...   just get to the other side of this...

I have [very] many times before - gotten to the other side of 'this'.

I have lived wonderfully. I have lived fully. I have lived better than I ever dreamed possible. I will again.   I am open to create 'awesome' again.

For now, I know the stillness of feeling terrible; physically and mentally terrible.

I do not fight the stillness because it feels like it would be for naught. I open my heart in the stillness. I want to open my heart more to me/myself in this stillness.

Let me feel my own compassion; my own empathy; my own concern and love...

May you feel your own compassion; your own empathy; your own concern and love.

(Unknown)

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!