Be U: Swollen

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Swollen

'Mrs.' Thumb is swollen and red and close to screaming as I wake up this morning.    It is immovable and unusable.

I am so glad that I had forgotten (mostly) what this pain feels like when my skin on my finger is not getting the appropriate amount of blood and starts to die. Man, that sounds unpleasant. And, this is what I am currently living with. OUCH.

It seems to zap energy from my entire body to be able to cope with this one finger 'malfunctioning'.   I guess, in truth, my whole body is somewhat malfunctioning but I can still do things like eat. Ha.

My appetite has been little lately. Perhaps, this is a good thing as I was eating for comfort for over a year now. Ever since I started on with new doctors and everything that came with it for me. Why couldn't I have taken an easier, less draining stance on these rules and regulations down here. They played right into my fear of need for drugs and need for back up to feel safe...   How interesting is this...

So, here I go aiming to be nicer to myself; kinder to my trials; and more self-compassionate towards, well, self.

It feels like the right road. It feels like the only road left just about. So, what a wonderful road that is opening for me as I peel yet another layer from the onion that is me. Ha.

The thought of washing my own hair or even making my own food or breaking a pill in half or picking up the dog or answering the door feels ugh and scary to me. Draining and harsh. Painful and not easy...

SO, I stay open to what I will do next and I do it with love, not being concerned about how long or slow I have to take or be and praying that I will get to the other side of these [most of the time] easy things to do.

How blessed I have a wonderful husband who is here for me.   How blessed that he hasn't given up on me or left me or is so tired of this that he can't cope. I do believe that it is just as hard - if not harder - on the caregiver than the patient. The patient doesn't feel good and goes by 'my' experience. The caregiver feels good and goes by 'my' experience. How stinko is that for them.

If I believe what I believe: that we pick our lives before we come here; we choose our partners, parents, life story - then we both signed up for this... there is some peace in this belief and it doesn't make it easy. My husband is my soulmate. We met when I was 25 and we have been together ever since... August 1, 1985. It was a blue moon and it was a night neither one of us will ever forget. We were caught from the very beginning. We had the most magical courtship and marriage for a long, long time. We did many fun and off the wall spontaneous things. I was 'sick' when we met, but most of the time I pretended otherwise. That was my way of not giving in to the dis-ease. We traveled, flew in helicopters, sailed on yachts, explored canyons and dormant volcanoes. We snorkeled. We were inseparable. I will always be grateful for these memories.

I'm not giving up. I know some of our best days are ahead of us. We are working towards this being so. And, for today, I am grateful for where I am.

Pain has a way of taking us in to the depth of ourselves if we allow it. The depth of our own self is a spectacular place. A place where I know everything is okay even when it doesn't feel so. I know love, connection, beauty, hope, truth, trust and life being magical. I almost don't enjoy the human side of me as the depth of me is so much an easier place for me to live.

But, alas, I am human too. So, I take the good with the not so good. The connections through open hearts and minds. I see and feel the struggles. I see and feel the suffering. I believe the more true and solid we are at our depth, the less struggle and suffering we will connect to.

May you open up to your depth. Open up to the adventure of you from a place that you just know you belong. May you share yourself with yourself and others from a place of trust, truth and love as often as possible. May you let the depth of you rise up. You are magical. May you let yourself be so.

Ease on, up, out and forward. Let your heart and mind be swollen with the magical truth of you.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!