Be U: Circus

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, September 8, 2015

Circus

My days have been like a circus - entertaining and questionable...

I have gone to the doctors that I had appointments with, made phone calls that came out of these appointments and while I am okay for this month with medicine and kinda/sorta help, I remain lost in myself, the illness, the unknown (aren't we all) and the unanswered question of how to be well.

The second doctor I saw last week - the experience I created was a hoot; for lack of a better word.

I thought my appointment was 2:30.   At 12:40 pm, I realized my appointment was at 1 pm. Oh My! Forget the shower, forget the relaxed with ease trip to find his office -- I was off and running!

By 12:45 I was in my car and traveling south to the new doctor's office. I was going 80 mph and I was on the phone - on hold - to speak with the office so that I would tell them I would be a 'bit' late. For 15 minutes I was on hold... I hung up after that.   I stopped twice to ask directions as I know I was in the block where I was supposed to go. I parked in the parking garage, went up the elevator to the 14th floor and was called back into the doctor's office. The nurse said they do a lot of people with scleroderma and which hand am I here about. I stated that I was here regarding the whole scleroderma disease. We rushed through this preliminary meeting because of myself being late. The doctor came in only to find out that he is only a hand surgeon. He is the guy who amputates the fingers that scleroderma knocks out. Double freakin Yikes! Not what I'm looking for... now and, I hope, ever.

Needless to say, it was a bust and it was my own fault for not doing more research. However, I was told that this here doctor was the doctor that was taking the patients of the woman doctor whose passion is scleroderma who won't be in til October. This hand surgeon knew nothing about that...   Can I get an Oh My! oh well

Last thing I have going for me just now is the meeting/appointment with the pain management doctor who can see me on the 21 September.

So, as my head slowly stops spinning, I realize my part in all of this.   Why there is much out of my control, there are some things that are always in my control. Namely, the way I react to each and every experience.

I wish to react in what feels best in and on me. I, surely, do not always do this.   I, surely, would like it to be so.

May you react to each and every experience you encounter with your greatest and highest good. You know you got it if you are true to you and kind even when anger and frustration show up.   It is a choice. We can put this energy out as anger and pain. We can put it out as anger and love.

Yes, I get angry. When I beat the pillows or lay on the bed and kick and scream; when I scream in the car or when I jump up and down to release this anger, this is through love.   When I scream and scare or put a person on defense because of my anger, this is pain (for me).

May you know and feel the difference and may you choose the one that is most loving towards yourself and others as often as possible.

Whoop Whoop

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!