Be U: Hello, It's Me...

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Hello, It's Me...

Wow. Wow. Wow. I have arrived back here to my 9BeU blog.

I have been so afraid to show up and share (and even see myself) what I am feeling. Not wanting to face my truth; so to speak.

I am now living in a high rise that I had my eye on since 2009. Fell in love with it the first time I visited the new building. The views out of my windows are spectacular. Sunrises/Sunsets/Rainbows/Boats/ Manatees/Water Water everywhere. Each time I look, the view is different in some way.

I feel so blessed and I breathe better with the expansive view.

To get up to the view (21st floor) is nothing like owning a home. No easy access to garage. No privacy to this not so easy access. Carrying bundles, groceries, moving in - (up and down an elevator) is definitely a different way to live. I am still not used to it. And, me, being frightened of elevators did not stop me; I was moving here for the view. Elevator Phobia gone (check). For almost two months I heard myself counting while riding the elevator. Counting to 70 before I was going to do any kind of panicking. I have started to forget to count. This is a step in the best direction.

I wish I could say that my health was immediately better. That my strength, stamina and energy skyrocketed. I cannot. I may even find myself being a bit depressed. I know my blood pressure has become the opposite of depressed; it has gone high.

Adapting. Adapting to our surroundings, to what is, to ease and to acceptance; to trust and to feel safe. It didn't come natural to me this move. I've moved more than 10 times and the last three were definitely my most difficult. Very interesting.

My body aches. My two thumbs are sore from using them so much in moving.

I was also told by my insurance that one drug that I have been on for four years (which is a very small amount of time for me but still matters) that they will no longer cover the cost. The pain office I go to will not do prior authorizations which would allow insurance to cover it. They scripted me a new drug, that too, is not covered. I feel like a prisoner to these drugs; to these doctors; and to the insurance company. I do not want to feel like this anymore. See how I play this one out. It doesn't help with getting my calm on. I want to say I am more calm and owning it more than I ever have and I can't say it as truth. I'm the one who lives with these conditions; I am the only one that can tell me how to react to them. I am learning to react more lovingly to myself. Yay me.

May you 'Yay' on yourself today for something positive you did.!

Living in a chaotic and a cluttered environment is not my thing. Moving creates clutter and chaos. So, I'm living in chaos and clutter for now and to find the scotch tape or an item that I put in a safe place to be easy to find is not happening. Ha.

I'm learning greatly. I am growing, I hope, in leaps and bounds. I am tired. I do feel like my back is not supported by professionals that I pay to have them support me. I even ask them to support me, they say, 'yes definitely'. I do not feel supported in the way I would like to feel supported. I'm learning how to grow my peace in what feels nothing like a peaceful situation to me.

So, I'm back. I am here. I have pent up emotions, feelings, thoughts and I know I am contracting my body more than expanding it. I believe the high blood pressure comes from this. I need to let go, start again and let myself be peaceful even when I haven't learned how in this situation yet.

It is a real hoot. A hoot I'd rather live without. But, I guess, a hoot that is here to teach me strength, stamina and revising myself in order to live through.

May you revise who you are to live through [more easily] what is being shown to you; what you are involved in; where you want to go; who you want to be; and what you want to feel.

I believe in you. Baby steps allowed. Giant steps, just now, may be being forced on you. If this feels the case to you, may you believe it is only because you definitely, 100%, are able to handle it/them.

Ce Sera Sera

Live your best self through it all even when you wouldn't label your best self full of ease and happiness just now. If you do know ease and happiness just now, be fully aware; bathe in it even. Let gratitude be plentiful. Enjoy you and it immensely.

We all know challenges. We all know rewards. We all know ease. We all experience the fullness of a not knowing.

We are here to experience through what we know (and don't know), how we think and what we allow ourselves to believe. May you believe in yourself. May you be here. May you be fully present as best you can. In this moment, you can breathe and in this moment is the only moment we can live and we are okay (underneath/above it all); we live.

I've missed you. I surely hope you are always working on being kind to yourself with great success.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!