Be U: Yin/Yang

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Yin/Yang

Feminine/Masculine

Good/Bad

Hurtful/Feels Good

Knowing/Not Knowing

Opposites and, yet, one could not work without the other. Perhaps, one cannot even be known/felt/represented without knowing and/or being aware of both sides.

I feel like I have been living in the full structure of this concept.

I hear myself say "I am home" because I am by the water again. Yet, I have been feeling, anxious and out of sorts as I am not yet settled in. The ease of living in a known space eludes me for now.

Last time we moved was only four years ago, and two years before that. There has been a lot of moving, exploring, adventure, challenge, trials and much adapting.

I feel I am where I belong; where I knew/thought I was my happiest.

I am questioning if it was my happiest because I was so ME when I lived by the water in the 20s and 30s. There is a part of me that thinks I can repeat that feeling. I am learning that no, I cannot.

I am not the me that was present in the 80's and the 90's. I am the me that I have grown to become through my 20s and 30s, but now also through my 40s and 50s. I am the me through my lessons. I am the me through my challenges. I am the me through my celebrations. I am the me through the grandeur, loss and experiences accumulated to this very breath that I am currently taking right now.

May you allow you to be the you that has accumulated over your lifetime. May you love yourself just as you are knowing that you have done the very best that you have been able.

I have lived with scleroderma since the late 70's. It has shown me such horrifying moments of pain, confusion and hurt. It has taught me life at its depth. It has taught me my strength(s). It has taught me that life shows up just as life wants to show up. It has shown me that it is possible that life does show up exactly as I see and feel myself becoming to be. Life is yet another complexity of simply being true to whatever shows up for us.

It is about how we react. It is about how we think. It is about how we live.

May you react, think and live through love; as often and as much as possible. May you keep coming back to love.

May you ride the journey of your life through all the yin/yang, feminine/masculine energies, the good/bad, the hurting and the feeling good, the knowing/not knowing. Embrace it all with trust in your being, love in your heart, faith in your soul, acceptance in your mind and all of it, together, in your breath. May you reach for this part of you again and again and again.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!