Be U: Chilly

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Chilly

29 degrees Fahrenheit as I wake up on a Sunday morning. We just turned the clocks back one hour for Daylight Savings Time. (Who says we can't turn back the clock?)

The cold is bothering me. I went into this winter with a different mindset; to no avail. The cold is affecting me negatively. I find myself frustrated and wanting to give up.

The discomfort and pain is so loud that I am unable to concentrate on much else.

I am tired and frustrated hearing myself complain about the cold and great discomfort every winter. I can't imagine the strain/stress/tiredness my family feels with this as well. I know, at times, it is harder on them.

I'm not sure where to turn; what to do; if giving up would be a curse or a blessing. Can I give up? And, by giving up, I mean accepting totally what is. Why is this so hard for me to do completely.

I'm just going to try this on for size.... "I accept that the cold hurts me. I accept that my fingers are dying. I accept that I can't do many things easily with my hands. I accept that this is my life." Well, I can't say it feels right. Even my inner knowing is telling me this is not necessary to accept. What's a woman to do!

I am on the low side of progesterone. Maybe I can work with this some more to better benefit me.

On a bright note, my Aussie loves the cold; the sun is shining; no more bugs such as ticks, stink bugs, or mosquitoes. I have one less 'feeding' in the morning. The outside fish go into hibernation, so to speak. I just make sure the bubbler is constantly on for air in three of the bogs. They are not fed all winter. The grass doesn't need to be cut and the pool doesn't need to be attended to. To me, the outside yard is somewhat 'closed'. I do not even use the compost pile in the very cold.

There is always light with the dark; always an upside to the downside; always good with the bad.

It's like the tapestry. On one side, there are knots and strings and nothing to really see or decipher and on the other side, there is a beautiful picture.

My life, for the most part, is a beautiful picture that I cherish and am grateful for. There is this dark part that I'd rather not endure. However . . . it is so.

May you see the part of your life that makes a beautiful picture today.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!