Be U: Admit or Believe

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Admit or Believe

I'm finding it pretty hard to admit or believe this is the next step in my life that is showing itself to me. What comes first - admitting or believing....the egg or the chicken. Ha.

I'm finding myself telling my loved ones that I feel lost and I need help finding help. I seem to be unable to connect to the help that I want and need. My belief that there is help for me is weak at the most. I'm not very confident in myself just now and I feel shut down and a bit less hopeful as I'm waking up these days.

I did manage to get myself to my Naturopath and she pretty much reiterated what I already knew and didn't want to admit to or believe as my truth.

She said that my body is guarding itself. It is shut down and doesn't recognize any place as safe. I am shut down and unable to open and deal with what is going on inside of me just now. My body isn't ready to talk and I know my mind capacity is not all the way up. I have no where to run but to face what is (with my father) head on.

Is this what I did when I was 10. Did I shut down to not feel and/or participate in my life fully because I didn't want to admit, believe or participate in the truth of what was going on in my childhood family. My dad had totally disappeared; my mother was in her own pain finding the strength to carry on alone with three children and tons of bills and responsibilities; and my siblings were, maybe, all lost in their own acceptance of where we were finding ourselves.

I am here, day to day, waiting to hear the outcome of my dad's life. I do not know why or how this is having such an affect on me. As of now, we are waiting to hear if another scheduled surgery will happen or will it be cancelled. He has no one else but my sister and I. I can't imagine many people understanding this because I do not understand it myself even. I couldn't imagine that I would have any involvement in this during the last 40 years.

I am not one to run from an ailing person. I am not one to pretend that it's easy when it doesn't feel so. I am one to have a hard time sharing this pain inside of me. I am one that has a hard time admitting that I'm weak and unable. I am one to not easily believe of a truth that I don't want to be so.

So, to keep moving forward I need to believe that this is my truth. I need to admit that it's hard and I do not know the 'correct' way to play this out. In reality, I know there is not a correct way; only the way I find myself doing it is the way for me.

I am realizing that, for me in this moment, it doesn't matter what comes first. It just matters that they both are here.

What are you resisting believing the truth of, if anything? What are you unable to admit because it just may make it so and you may just have to deal with it?

AND I know, whether I admit this is as my truth or not....this IS my truth. Apparently, there is more here for me to deal with. Can I choose to feel it and let it go.

I hope I choose letting it go and carrying forward the real me....I have so much living to do.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!