Be U: Dark

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

Dark

I am in the 'dark' or what feels like darkness. I'm having a pity party for myself and I am thinking extremes. Everything is hard.   Nothing is easy.

When, in truth, and as much as I dislike admitting it just now in this darkness, not everything is hard; there are a few things.   There are some things that are easy.

And, in my being, because I feel like I do... I want to wallow in poor me.

My dog threw up on the bed, my husband has been away traveling to beautiful places, my daughter is going to school and being with friends, my cat is at my arm bumping on it for me to rub her and I feel weak and worn down. My ears are ringing and my whole mouth is hurting for some reason up into my sinuses.

We are getting temperatures that fluctuate 20 degrees each day and my body is participating with same while my mind doesn't want to 'play the game' because the fluctuation hurts my body.

Just taking the sheets off the bed was hard for my fingers and I'm so tired of taking medicine for this pain that is STILL HERE.

My mind seems to not be working clearly as I say words that I don't mean to say.

I'm in (what feels like) a real conundrum.

With the 'ease' of the internet and everything password protected, I do not even know how to easily change my mailing address with ITunes. I am sure it is easy peasy and I won't let myself believe that just now.

This 'ease' in the world doesn't always feel as such.

So, I wake up on this Sunday morning crying (as well as I can because I usually never have tears), frustrated, angry, hurt, wanting to blame outside of myself and knowing that I am the only one that is responsible for where I am in my life. No, I didn't ask for the dis-ease - or did I with the way I participate in my life and in my way of thinking...   I surely didn't ask for it out loud or knowingly.

My tinnitus is loud. My head is pressured. The sutures in my skull feel very tight and non-giving.

My body aches with I don't know what. My stomach feels enlarged and uncomfortable. Yes, stress and cortisol can make this happen.

If I could walk away from myself, I would in this moment.

I want life to FEEL easier. I want to not know challenge right now. I want to take a walk on the beach easily with freedom in my head, heart, body and mind. I want it to be the perfect temperature, the perfect breeze, the perfect color of blue wavy water. I want the sun to be at the perfect height to warm my skin and not be in my eyes. I want my body to feel strong and healthy, alive and invigorated. (I did say extremes..Ha.)

Instead, I hear myself, as I put the puked-stained sheets in the wash, telling myself how 'glamorous' my life is with a very sarcastic tone. I know how I have little energy to propel me anywhere but in the chair to eat guacamole and hummus.

So, in truth, I guess I am not ready yet to be the brilliant self that I am. And, in truth, I can be most brilliant if I just allow myself to process these feelings, situations and thoughts - challenge them lovingly - and let go and see the gloriousness in my life because there is plenty.

My cat stopped bothering me. The washer is doing the work for me of cleaning the bedding. I do have guacamole and hummus to eat and a big comfy chair to sit on.

Oh, I often feel like I'm not really cut out for this human state of being.

Yet, here I sit, at this computer as a human. So human on I will go.

My body aches less as I gave it attention. My state of mind is a bit less trapped as I let it go where it wanted/needed to go. I do know that if I want to take that walk on the beach, I can in whatever current state of mind and body I am. My dog lays nicely right at my feet. My family are all fending for themselves.

In the big picture of things, I am blessed. We all are. What is in our life is there because of actions, thoughts, reactions and our own and others' human-ness. 'There but for the grace of God I go.' I'm not sure what this really means, and it sure sounds beautiful. And, I just googled it and it says we are not the only ones creating our reality. Sometimes we get 'spared' and sometimes we do not (more or less).

So,
May you feel what you feel. Be open minded and open hearted. May you allow yourself to process what comes up for you. May you, when you are ready, let go and move forward with the grace of the universe, the grace of God.

Being human is a ride. We really are only here a pretty short time in the big picture of it all. Trust your truth. Find and be self-love. When it goes a bit astray - and it will - continue to walk and it will change.

My inner most deepest self honors yours. Namaste'

May we honor our own inner most deepest self, our outer shell and everything that is as we all learn to be the best version of ourselves in this thing called human life.

Human on. Honor the human-ness. I so want us all to live our most awesome human life possible, together.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!