Be U: As I am

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, February 5, 2015

As I am

As I sit here at the computer the cat watching my fingers on the keyboard and the mouse's arrow on the screen, I do not know what I am going to share or say.

How adorable how her eyes are following the letters and her ears stand upright interested. Her adorable nose with her green eyes make my heart happy. I especially like it that she is staying still and not sitting on the keyboard or trying to get on my head! lol

It is a rainy day here and everything is soaked out there. All the live vegetation; trees and plants are happily nourished with water from the sky.

I went to yoga yesterday and this time we were at the top of the building. I felt 'home' overlooking the beautiful ocean and the bay. There were vultures with beautiful wing spans right at eye level. They were powerful and beautiful. Maybe they were hawks. And, I did think I saw red faces and this is why I say vultures. Either way, they were beautifully soaring high in the sky and I thought it was so cool that I was eye level with them. I didn't want to intrude on the class and grab my camera and take pictures. Yet, the thought was there. After class I did and I kind of sort of got a shot. However, the picture, surely, did not do the bird justice.

My body feels more 'awake' today from the movement yesterday. We did chanting and breathing and this, too, made me feel home. It fills my soul to move my body, let go of my mind and watch my breath.

Today, as the cleaning people were supposed to come and have cancelled, I have a free morning and it is a pleasant surprise with the dark, rainy day. I will take advantage of it and 'just be' this morning.   I find myself open to all that is and finding comfort in this.

My body does still scream some. I am uncomfortable in it from time to time. My skin is taut and my muscles unhappy as it feels like there is too much cortisol and not enough serotonin. The stress hormone vs. the feel good hormone...   I'm going to be open to creating more endorphins through movement.

I'm still wondering about the drugs I am on.   I'm still hoping to alleviate if not allow this dis-ease of scleroderma to dissipate some if not completely. My inner knowing has always been that I can heal myself.   My outer truth is that it has not happened. There is struggle in this. Perhaps, it is this struggle that keeps me 'sick'.

I went to cranial sacral again and right away discovered a part of my childhood that I was holding on to and very easily (this time) was able to envision, in my mind's eye, it 'skipping' away. It felt so real within my being and my head still whispered 'you are crazy'. My inner knowing knew I was brilliant. Again, a war within.

May you let go of any war(s) within and allow yourself to be what you feel, think, do, and are until (and if) you know and do different.

Soar... Just as you are...   Love yourself now...

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!