Be U: Hooked, Lined and Sunk

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Hooked, Lined and Sunk

Hook, Line and Sinker is a phrase about being tricked and deceived; perhaps, baited and caught.   I am feeling, deeply, the feeling of being hooked, lined and sunk.

And, as I type this, through this feeling of same, I am also allowing myself to dig deeper and be even more real out loud than ever before.

My body has a disease. Today, it is mine to own. I've had it for a long, long time. There is no sight of it changing. I'm not the professionally dressed woman in heels that I thought, perhaps, I could get back to. I'm not the woman who can easily do things like doing her hair, putting on make-up, turning a spigot, or opening a window. I'm not the woman with intensity or endurance when it comes to movement or exercise. I'm not the woman who wakes up in the morning and doesn't stop 'exploring' and 'doing' until I fall into bed at night. I am not her. Perhaps, I once was. Perhaps, I thought I could be her again.   I cannot. I am not. I will not. This is a tough pill to swallow for me.

I am a woman that cares greatly about the human race and each individual in it. I am a woman who has gone deep within to really know herself and to connect to everything that is. I am a woman that wants peace in the chaos and gets it from time to time. I am a woman who has helped many (I hope) find there own peace within. I am a woman that understands and feels another's pain.   I can also not understand it completely and still feel it and know empathy and compassion. I am a woman who can go below (or is it above) the humanness of a situation and feel the spiritual involvement happening. I can see a big picture when I am stuck in a moment. I can offer a more whole, loving or different insight into many hurtful situations.

I have grown into this woman as I can no longer be the woman I thought I desired to be. I am learning to embrace the greatness of this new woman that I meet every time I look in the mirror. I am learning to honor, accept and love her. I am learning to bring her with me out into our world with no facade (well maybe still a little) and only love (and maybe a bit of fear just now).

I am who I am because of my experiences, my paths I have taken and that have taken me; and because of how I've reacted, watched and have grown from the inside out by choice, hard work, exhausting days and really freaking great moments.

Just as you are who you are because of same.

May we individually honor ourselves; our uniqueness. May we, together, (within and through this support of self-honor and uniqueness) create the life that can be fulfilling to all humans as much as humanly (and perhaps even below (or is it above?!)) human as possible [which would connect us all at the depth of ourselves where we already are all one].   This has been a wish/goal/knowing in my soul and all of my cells from the day I came into this world in human form; and possibly even before.

Let's just all be who we are, lovingly, and see what happens. Love yourself, your truth and others on!

Just maybe - Hurt people hurt people. Healed people heal people.

May we evolve into our greatest selves together.

Picture by Andreea Petcu

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!