Be U: Torn Between Two Worlds

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Torn Between Two Worlds

I really FEEL like and know that I'm letting parts of the old me go and trying to find new ways to be and live the new me. I find it quite challenging and I'm somewhat in the dark.

My brain knows that I want to help others find their way. The title job description I keep hearing is "life coach". I see (and always have sensed) myself around a large group of people sharing and learning new paths. I also see myself working one on one with women in whatever capacity of themselves they bring to the table. I see myself doing cranial sacral, offering deep questions and plans, and allowing our path to go where they have not gone before.

In both scenarios, it will be where we have not gone before through love, wisdom, fun and serious laughter. It will be new paths, ideas, sharings each and every time.

There will be physical movement involved.

The thought of a large group creates great fear (again the fear) for me. I was always afraid of being in front of a crowd. I used to take 0s in high school to not get up in front of a class... Wuss that I was and definitely still am.

Yet, when I taught aerobic class a lifetime ago, I got good at it. I loved watching my clients change in all ways before my eyes (overtime, of course). When I first went to train for this, my first question was how do I learn to not be afraid to do this in front of people. The woman from "Jazzercise" (anyone remember this?)said you just have to get up and do it again and again and again.

Fear still has me and it is getting less, I believe, because I am living my true self. I offer (as much as I am able) only my true self.

I am only around my family and some friends. I am not out in the world where I can get 'hit'. Someone might question me or downright want to fight me verbally on what I believe in. This will be my first true test, when and if someone with anger threatens me or tells me I am crazy or doesn't like the way I'm doing something.

My old habit was to question whether they are more right than I. I now know that they are just different from me. They don't feel/know/have experienced what I have. I sure wish meanness and anger didn't have to show up and, yet, I believe that this meanness and anger is only forefront of their own fear/frustration/challenges.

So, as I sit here torn between two worlds, I slowly but surely am peaking my head out and physically pushing myself forward to the next chapter of my life.

What fun and excitement I feel deep down. Now, if I would just allow myself to let it out. I'd be rocking!

Is there part(s) of your world that you would like to create/recreate? Do you feel it 'bubbling' deep inside?

My wish for you is that you let it out!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!