Be U: Auto-Pilot No More

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Auto-Pilot No More

I am realizing that I am not on auto-pilot anymore. It can be a very scary place to be. For most of my life, I feel I just did and went and moved, enjoyed and conquered.

Now, I feel like everything has just STOPPED and I have to relearn 'me' living my life and how, why, what, when and with whom I live it and share it.

This is really genius and my mind is more scattered and unfocused than ever. I know what I want deep down inside and it is now FINALLY showing on the outside - my inside and outside me are synched; yet, living on the physical level of this is quite challenging. (I've had the goal of being able to comfortably share what's on the inside of me (what I knew was true for me) with the outside world for almost 20 years. I've sat on many 'couches' and seen many 'practitioners'.)

My sight is more narrow than I'd like it to be and my trust in my everyday living ability is limited. Meaning I am unable to take in all that is around me and available to me and I'm sort of like a child learning how to walk and maneuver around again for the first time.

My internal awareness is having to balance out with my external awareness. My internal awareness is almost too loud; and as I say this I know it's more about my external awareness having to be amped up and I have to bring this internal me out into the world. Dang scary I say.

Learning to do things all over again is not my idea of fun or ease even though it surely can be full of excitement and promise.

If I'm not making any sense, it is because I am so deep in the middle of me and learning to be me doing things I love, enjoy, and need to do with this new sense of self - I find my brain not working in tip top shape.

I see me missing words. I see me stuck in mid sentence. I see me incapable of working on auto-pilot. I am living in my/the world differently.

I am actually and definitely relearning how to live my life. The life I want to be living.

How wonderful; how scary; how unknowing I am.

May you evaluate where your auto-pilot gauge is and how you are maneuvering yourself through this thing called YOUR LIFE.

How close to knowing, living and sharing the real you, the BE U are you? Is there anything you want to change up, admit, release, add-on OR are you close to perfect just the way you are? Ha.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!