Be U: FUN..FUN.....

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

FUN..FUN.....

Can't wait to share this. Not like the last two posts where I debated sharing and had no fun sharing.

Remember me saying when I'm most nervous/sick before I go to a head doctor - this is when I get the most out of the appointment.   Well......perhaps the last two posts brought me here......?

I called my girlfriend and was saying how I have to go to Lancaster, 80 miles away and it's dark and rainy and cold. I was in the car and I hurt, ache and just feel lousy. I can't accept that I feel this way and have to go out in the world. She came up with my head doesn't match my body. I knew that to be true. I told her I'd contemplate this and goodbye. I told her I didn't know how to accept this disease as a part of me, but I so wanted to.

A few minutes later I was calling her back saying 'I accept that I have scleroderma"; I accept that my hands can't do alot of things, that they look funky"; "I accept all of me as I am today". I was emotional and, I think, crying.   She asked me if I really did accept myself as having scleroderma and did I accept myself just as I am - and I said "yes, I accept myself and everything about me". Immediately, heat and energy opened up and I felt it all around my shoulders and my head. Like a tsunami wave of heat -(whoa). (I mean, yes, come on heat - I welcome you.) I thanked her and said good bye.

As I was drove, A Moment Like This by Kelly Clarkson came on the radio. I sang to it and enjoyed it. A few minutes later (I'm a station changer), the song came on again This time I GOT IT. This was my moment in time. The moment I accepted me and who I am and everything about my life. I blasted the music and I even saw myself raising my fist up high as in victory! It was really a moment for me! I happened to look at the clock and it was 11:11. 11:11 is the time my daughter tells me she always wishes me healing and happiness when she sees this time!

I went to my appointment and almost two hours later got back in the car and started driving home. I can't make this stuff up and you'll never guess what song came on as soon as I started the car. Yep, A Moment Like This! Is that crazy or what.   Cannot Make This Stuff Up.
So, for now, I accept me. I accept my pain. I accept my inabilities. I accept that I am like no other. I accept that I can do what I can do. I accept that I can't do what I can't do. One minute from now, I may feel different. But, for now, I am at peace and can't wait to see what happens next.

No comments:

My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!

Coming for the Real You.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

FUN..FUN.....

No comments:

Post a Comment