Be U: Don't Know How

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Don't Know How

I am not having the best day today. My body is screaming and it seems like I am constantly bumping my fingers against things to create a 'go to the moon' pain. I cry. My body is tense and uncomfortable. I feel myselt shutting down from my world and the people in it. I DO NOT KNOW HOW to share this part of me with anyone.

I hear myself telling my dogs to leave me alone. I see myself not feeling or laughing or participating in anything around me.

I am angry and do not allow myself to feel it completely. I am stuck in Do Not Feel Mode and OFF mode.

I remember a long time ago making a pact with myself to not feel. I remember saying 'I just won't feel anything. I'd rather not feel anything then to feel this pain again".

I am much more open and feeling than I used to be. However, I still have my long moments of not feeling. I am in one of them now.

I guess from the pain I was experiencing this morning, I went into shut down mode. I am going to watch and see where I go from here.

I don't want to be like this. I want to do better and follow my happy. I'm so numb, I don't know what my happy is. That's not really true. I don't want to allow myself to know even that. Interesting. Am I so shut down that I won't even go there. You bet. mmmmmmm.

I asked a girlfriend this morning if they do come take me away to help me. She replied 'if they do put you away, I'll come with you!" funny and I liked this answer!

I used to be told if you act that way, they are going to come take you away. Apparently, somewhere in my being I still hear this voice. I don't like it. (I was probably told less than 8 times my entire childhood this -- apparently it had a lasting impact on me. - It must have worked. I must have really stopped doing whatever it is I was doing. I was probably doing a silly dance!) I wonder where I find the 'knowing' to not think this thought anymore. (Do they still put people away against their will? I think they used to, but I don't know this to be absolute truth either.)

Maybe I could investigate.

Anyone remember that song 'they're coming to take me away oh me oh my....to the funny farm...where life is beautiful all the time'. Hey, if it's beautiful all the time - maybe I want to go there. Ha.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!

Coming for the Real You.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Don't Know How

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