Be U: Just Be

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Just Be - ing

I'm here living my day; doing what needs to be done; spending some fun time with the dogs; laughing with family.

It's still pretty brisk outside and inside nice and 'toasty'. It feels like a Friday to me. It is Thursday.

I'm processing 'me' through me. Meaning I think my mind is changing the way it used to think to new ways that are more helpful to me as an adult with the knowledge of what I've learned over the years.

My head is not clear and I think it's this 'fight' within from letting go of the old me to bringing about and learning a new me. It's truly miraculous and right on and one of the biggest/longest challenges I have had to face in my 50 years of living.

To realize some of the things I've been telling myself such as 'others know better about what works for me than I do' to now telling myself 'listen to my inner voice and knowing and what is being thought and felt is true for me'. From thinking that what I do, say and think alters everyones life drastically to what I do, say and think may alter others' lives and sometimes (maybe most of the time) it affects them very little.

I'm thinking I was/am very self-centered. Through fear, I made everything about my life, my needs, my disease, my inability to do things. When now I'm making it about ... I don't know yet.

Because I've always cared what other people think and feel. I've been better hanging with people that need me or that I can help. I have fear around being with people that do not need me this way. I'm even realizing that I was better with relatives (nieces, nephews) when they were young and needed me. Now that they are standing on their own and older, I almost do not know how to be with them.

I don't know how to be with people that just want to spend time with me as easily. I'm there in a second if someone asks for help. The people that just want to hang and spend time with me - I'm not as readily available. I'm not sure what this is about. (the Private Eye in me has another job)

There is quite a fear here and I don't understand it. It's coming to my forefront. It's ready to be addressed.

How embarrassing. It's about having to be feeling a certain way and presenting myself in an image. If I don't have this image 'on'; I don't know how to just be me with people. (how utterly stupid/silly I feel)

Something about if I don't feel strong and upbeat, it's not time for me to be around people. Where did this come from. What kind of insanity is this?

Something about people won't like me if I'm only me..... I want to make them smile. This takes too much energy from me anymore so if they don't need me, I don't go.

Again, maybe it's just about me learning to be and live with this new me. I have to be comfortable with me before I can share me with my world. Hmmmmm.

How comfortable are U just be-ing U with your world? How often do U show the real U to the world?

No comments:

Post a Comment

My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!