Be U: Dogs... and So Much More

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, April 15, 2011

Dogs... and So Much More

Full Moon tonight and my dogs have seemed to turn into werewolves. It is midnight and they have not gotten quiet yet. Running in and out the dog door and barking and chasing each other; it's crazy. I even shut the dog door and my one dog, Little Bear, decided to go out the cat door! Wow. what is going on.

So, needless to say I'm wide awake; sort of. I'm chasing them all around the place and one goes this way and two go that way and one completely ignores me. My cats are here as well 'playing the game'.

I might as well just enjoy it and go with it. I have lost complete control. Mind you, I realized several years ago, I am not the Alpha Dog in this pack. I'm not very good at making them do what I want them to do most of the time. I could sure use the Dog Whisperer!

I have to say it is a beautiful, bright night. I decided to bask in the moon a bit. The temperature is quite comfortable and I can see fairly easily. It's a good night for a sleep out. -- Although, it won't be me sleeping out.

I'm starting to find delicious fruit at the stores. I hear the strawberries are being locally picked and I can't wait to taste them! A strawberry-banana smoothie sounds good about right now. I make it with frozen strawberries, banana, strawberry or vanilla yogurt and a bit of orange juice - blend it all together and mmgood.

I love the end of the school year for many reasons. One of them being the fresh cherries that become ripe. It's probably my favorite fruit.

Summer is good for so many reasons. The warm air, the bright, beautiful sunshine; the fresh fruits and vegetables, the warm sand if I'm lucky enough to make it to the beach -- oh, I'm dreaming now. I haven't made it to the beach at the Jersey Shore probably since I lived there 15 years ago. With the house in FL and my daughter traveling to the horse show circuit, there's no time for the beach in the summertime. I used to live on the beach when I was single and also married for 4 years or so. I was a beach bum. I exercised and went to the beach. I ran my fitness business and went to the beach. It was my heaven.

I am now in the process of finding my heaven again; outside of my raising a family. It's hard because my fingers and hands are so much more deformed and my health has declined quite a bit since my days of working and beachin it.

There has to be something this older woman can offer and do and enjoy. I'm so ready to move to it. I'd like to show my daughter the way instead of just lecturing her on the way.

I hope I can figure it out. I really know that this is what I need. To find and live me as a person again. Not as a wife; not as a mom, not as a family member. Who am I besides these things?

I do not know how I went from 'dogs' to 'who am I' but this is how I roll, apparently. Ha.

Who are U without your 'titles'; your image?

If you are not your job title, your family title, your sport - who are you?

No bull. I believe there is more to us then our titles.

I want to be a person connected to people, open-minded, helping others, loving life and exploring new things.

Do U know of anyone on their deathbed that said 'I sure wish I worked more'? I think not. Ha.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!