Be U: Cold

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Cold

My hands are cold. My hands are numb. My hands are swollen. I am angry that they are. I'm trying so many things (hormones, vitamins, Aronia berry juice, meditation, chamomile, drugs) to feel better and strong and something is still holding me back.

Yes, alot is my health. And, yet, alot of sick people are out and about doing things and getting sun on their face.

I am stuck. I am still. I am not sure what direction to head. I do not like being here, where I'm at. I want to fight and change it. I feel guilty and ashamed that I am here. I feel sad and angry.

Not a fun place to be. Let's just say I accept it. I do on a lot of days. I just accept it and move forward. Today I want to not move forward and relax and kick back. I'm in bed and I feel as tight as a spring. I can't seem to relax and unwind. I can't seem to disconnect from guilt and anger, sadness and frustration.

I know this will pass. I know this with everything I am. I don't know why I need to be here. I know I don't like being here.

What's a woman to do!

So, I'm here in a dark house in a dark place surrounded by dark weather. OH MY. I'll muddle my way through. I know I will.

I enjoy the light and lightness much more. I'm thinking that just by being human; I know I need to experience all aspects of life.

I am experiencing the dark side of life right now. It won't kill me. I'll try to welcome the process. I really want to run from it.

I used to just run. I no longer know how or truly want to run anymore. I want to face it head on and look at me in the mirror and say 'I'm here for you'.

So, even though I'm uncomfortable, unhappy and wish I felt different, I will sit in, and participate with, this moment and try to be like a butterfly and let me transform this moment into a brighter, more colorful 'flight' into the next phase of my life.

I'm so losin it now. Or, am I braver then I ever was? Mmmmm.

Are U ready to be brave to look at your true self in the mirror and accept what is and find a way to transform like a butterfly? Are U already a butterfly and want to fly higher? Are U exactly where U want to be?

Yet, once the butterfly transforms, is it still part caterpillar? (it's been dark for too long....) Ha.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!