Be U: Change

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Change

I'm in the process of changing a lot about and with my life. Just my work force at the house; the way I move; the way I eat and drink; the way I express myself; the way I am in my relationships. Pretty much, most aspects of my life.

It is not easy for me. I feel a strong resistant in my head and my body. I feel a strong fear and can't pinpoint it. I'm thinking this is ego's resistance. 'It's what we know, why are you going to go and change it all up and have to give us more work to accomplish" or something very similar and, perhaps, silly to this.

My breathing is uneven and shallow. This is nuts. I want to not get out of bed so I don't have to do this; face this; hurt anyone.

While becoming true to me, I am forcing everyone that has a connection to me to accept the new me and change with me. People are doing a fabulous job around me. I'm changing things up in my own head and don't remember to share and the same old, same old goes on with everyone else until it becomes a problem that we both have to face. It can feel excruciating to me. I'm not sure how it feels to others. AND, there is not one person in my life that is not supporting me.

I'm the luckiest woman (I want to say 'alive', but I think this may be over the top. Ha). I am grateful to everyone.

Could it also be that everyone is doing their own thing and living with their ups and downs and I am thinking that my life affects them much more than it really does? Another Private Eye moment coming up. I'd like to find this out.

Anyway, I'm doing what I can. Accomplishing what my body and mind will allow daily and going through 'this'. Whatever 'this' is.

It is uncommon, unnatural and unknown to me. The Time is Now for me to live me. I hope I can continue on and I do not give up til I have all of me in one place, so to speak. All of me in sync.

Really, it literally hurts.

May U know peace in your body, mind, and spirit today.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!