Be U: What a Visit

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

What a Visit

I had a doctors appointment today and on the way over I knew it was going to be big for me. The more resistant I feel to go there, (I'm forcing myself to continue because in reality I'm shaky and all over the place.) the more that usually comes up and out.

As I was driving to my appointmnt, my head was humming, my back was aching, my arms were throbbing. I started to say outloud to the beat of the music......Go, Fly, Thank you, Gone.   Go, Fly, Thank you, Gone. Go, Fly, Thank you. Gone. I heard myself saying to my body that I am here and ready to deal with you. I am here for you and not going anywhere. You don't have to hurt me or be too loud. I am here for you and I have the tools that we need. Go, Fly, Thank you, Gone.   (Yep, I'm thinking pretty weird).

I get to her office and I tell her I have a lot going on. We talk, we work and sure enough, in a matter of seconds, I start groaning and leaning forward, burping and feeling dizzy. I breathe deep, which to me, was to go into my body and breathe out the 'ugly'. I was releasing 'it'. I was letting go.  I was feeling emotions that were most likely buried for a long, long time.

I asked the doctor if she was okay. I needed her to be okay so I could continue. She gave me the time and space I needed to release my 'stuff'. My hands turned purple. I was sweating. My eyes were tearing, but I don't think I was crying. Oh, the human body, mind and spirit!

So, I'm home now and it was a pretty messed up day in many of my relationships. Major issues for people I love dearly and care about. The weather is dreary, rainy and cold. Dark outside.

Oh, life.   I finally want to live through it and allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and ask for what I need.

If I come across someone who challenges me, I don't know what I'll do. I hope I'll continue on.

I am so thankful for the love of the people that are so supportive of my life. How lucky I am.

How many layers does an onion have! I have been through, what feels like, millions.

May U be working through and allowing your 'layers' to be present and your heart and spirit to fly regardless.

May God (the Universe, the Higher Power) Bless the human race. I heard on a TV show the other day - "We have but one race in the world - the human race." I loved this. Together we can conquer anything. Separated, we may just be less strong.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!