Be U: Loong Time

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Loong Time

I hope this post finds you well. I hope this post finds you filled with yourself. I hope this post finds you in peace and harmony.

I hope this post gives you hope.

It has been a very long time since I have posted. How time can get away from us. How we can delve so deep into our own lives and others' lives that are right in front of us, that time has no meaning or understanding. It just is. We just do. We just live. We function and survive as best we can. We love through it as best we can. We breathe through it because we were built to do so. We go onward or stay still. We learn to bring our selves to each moment as best we can. Sometimes, we blink and the moment is gone.

This is how it has been for me. I am still dealing with pharmacists. As of today, it is an 'insurance' problem to fill a drug. I am tired. I am very tired. I don't have much left in me to deal with doctors, pharmacists and appointments outside of matters of my health; more inside the matters of the law. I don't find it anywhere near fun. Quite the opposite, in fact.

I am feeling worse because I'm letting myself be the 'bad' person; the 'wrongdoer' and I'm not liking this feeling. I do have moments where I stand firmly in my truth, share it, speak it and live it. Other times, I lose energy and just do not have it in me to tell 'my story' yet again.

I don't know if this is me changing my story. I know it is not me giving up. I will walk each day and bring my truest of self to the moment to the best of my ability. Sometimes, I am awesome. Sometimes, not so.

I am grateful for the one month that getting my medicine was easy breezy. It was wonderful. I told myself I figured it out.

Then, this month came and I find myself in fear and uncared for.

These are just the things that I tell myself. I respond to the things I tell myself. May I start talking better, more supportive things to myself.

May you say supportive things to yourself more than anything.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!