Be U: Everybody or Everyone

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, January 29, 2016

Everybody or Everyone

'Everybody is more important in this house than I am.'

If you ever hear yourself thinking this (as I did just now) or if you ever feel this way...

Is it.. perhaps; just maybe, because it is how and what we taught others to think and behave towards us....   Ugh.

I don't want it to be so and, yet, it is...   for me, anyway.

I taught 'them' that I was the mom and the wife and I would sacrifice my happiness, health, spirit, things I love, over your happiness, health, spirit, things that you love because I love you that much. You are this important to me...

And, then, one day, I wake up and realize that who I was and who I am are one in the same, but different.

Do I think my family would want me to feel lesser than, weaker than, less happy than... No. Definitely not.

And, if I had someone doing that for me... I would let them... It feels good. On the surface at least.

But, after a while; perhaps, a long while, deep down we don't feel comfortable, settled, whole. We can even feel hurt or sad. Everyone involved can come to this conclusion.

Because when one doesn't live, support and put themselves in a state of wholeness, one truly cannot offer anyone else what one doesn't have... it is living under a false 'sharing' because eventually, we do want, need, have to have.. more -- our whole self that comes from deep within; an inner knowing of who we are and want/need to be.

So, as I just heard myself saying that everybody is more important in this house than I.... I would like to ixnay that out and change it to 'Everyone in this house is just as important as the other'. Together, we will support each other to be and live the best of ourselves...    YAY! This feels so much better than the first sentence I found myself saying and feeling....

I walk on...

May you ixnay out anything you hear or feel yourself saying that doesn't sound or feel good. May you change it up to what really rocks your world in the happiest, fullest of ways.

Yes, you are this powerful and connected to abundant, undying love. Just maybe, this is where we come from and this is what we go back to. I say, let's stay connected to it purposefully, throughout our human experience; as best we can. You are this important.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!