Be U: What I Am.. Realizing

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

What I Am.. Realizing

As I go about my morning, I see myself not being able to think clearly. Not easily finding the words to match what I want to share with the outside world.

And, then, I realize that I have not had a truly 'at home' comfortable day in a very long time--in the external, human world. Probably way before I started the journey to move my life from north to south. (I love the word 'south' for some reason -- go south as much as possible. To me, south means paradise, ease, warm weather and palm trees. And, beautiful blue ocean waters.

'South' meant escape to me. To escape from the cold, barren days to days of ever-blooming life. This thought ignited my soul.

And, here I finally am and I find myself disabled. My lack of ability to maneuver easily through the streets of paradise. To settle into a whole new world without the one I leave behind from up north. I always had the best of both worlds (for a long while anyway).

Just now I have the difficulty (for me) of letting go of my abode up north and creating same, if not better, here.

I've shared my doctor and drug dilemma. My home is not built around my comfort like my home up north was. There are many knobs I cannot easily turn. There isn't something beautiful I chose everywhere I look. In fact, there are some things I look at that I downright find discomforting. I miss my koi fish pond and my saltwater tank.

At one time, I had four fairly lovely homes. I have now downsized to just one; the least favorite of all the homes I have ever chosen to live.

I am constantly shopping in new grocery stores, working with new doctors, going to new pharmacies and traveling new roads. I am way out of my comfort zone. To find a light switch has become an exploration in itself.

Perhaps, as I have been exploring inward for so long, it is now time to explore externally. All this exploring, while it permits me to grow into the best of myself, is also very disconcerting. Luckily, I do love me an adventure. However, my ability to maneuver has diminished greatly because my maneuvering 'button' has become too worn; too used; burned out. Or is it that I've been on an inner journey for so long that the maneuvering button has become rusty. (I'm not sure - I am sure I do not find 'just doing it' easy right now.)

So, as I see me not able to work on auto pilot and take a long time to create my ability to speak, get things done and easily remember where I am, I realize that nothing is wrong with me. It is, perhaps, just me living in such upheaval and turmoil for too long. My body, mind, and soul needs to feel stable, safe and comfortable. I am the only one that can create this for myself. I can create this for myself.

The realization that I'd like to share is that whatever is going on in your life, perhaps, it is only from you living in, around and through what you are living in, around and through. Most likely, nothing is wrong with you. You are only reacting/responding to your external circumstances.

Who you are today is a direct (or maybe indirect) reaction/response to what you have been experiencing. Perhaps, we get a little off when we are a little off. We get a bit uneasy when we are not allowing life to be easy. We experience dis-ease when we live from an untruth or in discomfort or 'on' for too long.

May you not judge where you are but love yourself where you are and feel your way, lovingly, in, around and through what life is showing to you now.

You can create stability, safety and comfort for yourself. May you choose to do so; as often as possible and as fulfilling as you are able. If you have stability, safety and comfort just now - savor it... Oh, so savor it!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!