Be U: Winter

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, January 22, 2016

Winter

The winter is upon us here on the east and mid-coasts of the United States. Snow accumulation of greater than one foot is expected up north. Here, in the south, temperatures dropping and record breaking cold is expected.  Lots of rain and chance of severe thunderstorms are upon us now.

My body feels it. Even as the temperatures do not get down into the freezing zone, they are 40-50 degrees cooler than what my body has been used to (living in).

I must say OUCH.... OUCH.   Ugh

I feel the tightening of my musles, my joints and my skin. I feel the pulling in (contraction) because my body feels it needs to go into protection mode. I am telling it otherwise. All I can do is see if it responds (listens).

I am very uncomfortable. I can't seem to focus very long. I have the feeling of wanting to run away from myself. It is like whatever it is that is inhabiting this body (spirit, mind, me), wishes not to accept this body's current fate. Yes, even after all these years.

And, this is the only body we get for this lifetime. It is me. It is mine. It struggles from time to time. I feel it just wants warmth. So, I will choose to give it warmth to the best of my ability.

I love watching the storm from within my home. The way the rain kisses the leaves on the bamboo. The way the palm fronds dance with the wind. The raindrops accumulating and dripping down and off of the plants; and popping up as they bounce on the pool water.

I met with a new doctor yesterday from the same organization for pain management. She heard me. She listened. She knew scleroderma and understood. !! She let me speak everything that I so needed to share and communicate. I truly felt like I was talking to God as she shared her professional expertise along with her human compassion. I came home feeling heard, cared for, and like someone from the medical world has my back. I had glitches with two pharmacies. But, on the third one -- I won here too. She welcomed me to her pharmacy.  She told me that she will work with me, easily, on all upcoming prescriptions. I found my way for now... or so I thought. Then I realized that while, the doctor and I, talked about two different milligrams of a drug, she ended up giving me the strongest one. It may be too strong. (Boy, am I a whiner or what?!?) I wanted the lesser one because I don't want to have to go through weaning from a stronger dependency. And, I am deciding, for just this month, try it and see how it plays out. Be happy that I am not scared, frightened or uncomfortable about present and/or future pain and I am blessed, that today, while uncomfortable, I am not in unbearable pain; pain that takes all of my attention and leaves me depleted.

I choose to let go of everything and just be... not even with what is... but, just be. All is well. All is good. All is taking care of. ...in this moment.

I know gratitude. I know peace in the chaos. I am peace in the chaos. I am peace in the storm.

May you be peace in the storm; as often as possible.  May you choose you and your peace...

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!