Be U: I Sit.... still.

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

I Sit.... still.

It is late morning and I am moving slow. It is a rainy, stormy (tornado warning) kind of morning. I do not remember another winter in Florida, USA that has been like this -- very little sun, lots of rain, tornado warnings and just not the sunny days that Florida is known for. And, it is warm. And, I'm liking it. It goes with what I feel inside. The unsettledness of myself. It connects me to myself in a way that I am more easily 'allowing myself to chill, be, and know stillness.

I went, yet, to another doctor yesterday just to be heard and to see and learn from their viewpoint and, perhaps, make a clearer decision or decisions for myself going forward.

She suggested more drugs.   I know that this is what the doctors are taught to do. Many of them anyway.

I realized that I go to doctors, pain management centers and more doctors saying the same thing. Fix me, give me drugs But also with the attitude give me little and I don't like being on them and give them to me while I am weaning. Yikes.

I don't quite say this exactly, but this is exactly what is going on in my mind, body and 'inner knowing'.   How can one win this way...   I want the drugs but I do not...   How can anyone help me here! double yikes! (Perhaps, this is one reason why I've been having so many issues with same.)

I am telling myself to be on the drugs that do take pain away and maybe work with my circulation. Continue on these drugs while continuing to do 'the work' that digs deep within my psyche, my being, my issues and my awesomeness.

It is all I know to do just now.

May you do all that you know how to do just now; and may you let it be perfectly enough. Like Oprah says that Maya Angelou said - "When you know better, you do better."

My next step is to go to yet another psychiatrist to just see what they have to offer and to share my journey with them (and see what more I can find about about myself and my journey).

Perhaps, one day, I will be brave and ready to share my journey and not have to pay to do so. To maybe, in fact, receive compensation of human money to do so.

To be my true professional self again and do what I love to do.  Support others; Support our world; to help support our world to be a more wonderful, loving, and mostly peaceful place to wake up to every morning and allow us all to 'flow' better with this thing called life.

Oh, just typing this, thinking this, believing in this and being this (as I am today) allows me to take a deeper and more peaceful breath...

May you find yourself taking deeper and more peaceful breaths. Ahhhhhh.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!