Be U: Where I'm At (with great resistance)

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

Where I'm At (with great resistance)

I wake up thinking 'doctor'.   I live throughout the day thinking 'doctor'.

I think I need a doctor that I can 'run to' in case of flare-up, emergency, and/or pains. I feel I do not have one. I truly didn't know how my relationship with the/my Rheumatologist of over 30 years was like a backbone for me to be able to live the fullest life I was able to live.

Not having this, I am most stagnant.   I am choosing to be. I am creating this with this belief. I believe this AND I must be doing so because of certain circumstances, trials and situations that I have felt, lived through and survived (thus far).

I want a doctor that I can call and go to if I need medical help. One that will listen to me and meet me where I am at.

This thought and not having it is making my pressure go up; I am gaining weight. [Some say that body fat is a way of protecting one's self from external sources (putting up a barrier so to speak).]

My body is tense. My mind is repeating itself and stuck on the fear of not having a doctor's help. Not a place that I find pleasant!.! (Berating doctors, even, saying there is no reason to feel as I feel.) God bless them. I send them love. I truly don't think they do this on purpose. It is what they know and were taught. It is their own fear, perhaps.

My mind seems to go from this thinking/feeling of grief and desperation to silence and the unknown path.

Last night I let this go. Last night I counted my breaths. I allowed my body to relax. I asked for help from anything/anyone. I named my guardian angel. I now call her Diamond Star. I prayed. I asked for God to put a person or persons in my life that would help me to bring the full me into play. The me without pain. The me without worry or concern of medical help. The me that has so much to share and offer our world because of my own experiences of pain and discomfort and the search to alleviate same. Someone who would be helpful to me (to open doors for me) to share my love and knowledge of the human spirit to anyone who would benefit.

I am open to move past this pain and hardship and live in the sharing of spirit and love.

All any of us can do is what we can do. All any of can be is what is inside of us to be. This is enough. This is more than enough. This uniqueness within each of us is what we are here to share, create outside of ourselves, and build a world that we all enjoy living in.

Oh, the easy breathing I wish for us all... !

I am honored to have this in many of my relationships and my heart. I think it could be so much easier and smoother if the majority of us were willing to choose peace, love, compassion, empathy and support of same for ourselves and for each other.

I am so 'game'.

My wish is that you can connect to this same 'game of life' within you. I know it is there.

It is okay to be vulnerable by being loving, kind, and caring because it is who You are and for no other reason than it feels darn good within you to be so. As you love yourself on, through and in, external noise matters less.

May we all connect to the best part of ourselves to the best of our ability. On days we cannot support this, may we choose to not damage and/or be hurtful to ourselves and to one another... Amen.

May you live the beautiful life that is inside of you to live.   Whatever you 'dream' or conjure up that feels good and expanding on and in you... this is the beautiful life that is inside of you to live.

Unknown

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!