Be U: Up at 4 AM

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Up at 4 AM

My pain in my hands gas awaken me again. I let the dogs out - amazingly cold. 10 degrees F. Is there anything that can live in that temperature? Found out yesterday that ticks can. My Durby dog went for his daily walk yesterday (I do not walk him in the winter) and he came home with 6 ticks on him. I was certainly surprised. He must have walked through a nest or something. Yucky, right?

Two more days, I go to Florida. It's 43 degrees F. there right now.   Will it be the usual reprieve from the cold for me. We will see. Last year and this seem to be unusally cooler in the south. I'm sure there is an explanation for it. I may not even want to hear it.

Every winter, except this one, I've asked myself how can the cold affect me so negatively; why. I know blood vessel constrict in the cold and when we shiver - I guess mine just constrict more then they need to in the fingers and that's why they do not get enough blood. It's literally like my hands are dying while I'm alive. What a horrible disease. I guess that's why it's called a dis-ease. What disease isn't horrible.

Alot of the alternative people in medicine think to get rid of the dis-ease. Sounds easy enough. Apparently, for me, it is not. Is my deep down level of (un)worthiness keeping me stuck. My deep down level of fear of being told I'm wrong to feel this or that way; or someone would laugh at me for my beliefs; or worse - holler at me. (I'm here after reading this sentence again and again; in reality, this probably happened to me only on several occassions and when I was too young to make it not matter. AHA) Why such the impact that 40 plus years later, the fear and dis-ease is still here..........

I'm not sure where this is coming from. I do believe it's coming from deep down inside. Right now in this moment, when I see these words and read them and hear them; they don't seem to have such an impact that they do when I feel them. Feeling them is a much more dramatic feeling then reading and hearing them.   Interesting.

May you see the reality of your feelings today. Are U letting your feelings run you or are you running your feelings? This is over my head. I don't know which is the correct answer for me.

I suppose there are times to let our feelings run us and other times when we can sit back, look at how we feel, and decide if it's working for us or not. Keep them or change them up some.

This just may have been a giant leap for Mercedes kind. get it -   giant leap for mankind...... ha. Again, 4 am!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!