Be U: 1 Down 7 To Go

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, January 24, 2011

1 Down 7 To Go

I have been in Florida for one week now. I have 7 more to go. I'm feeling a little lonely and sad that I'm not at home. I know if the weather was warmer here, I probably wouldn't miss home so much. The one day it was 74 here, I felt like dancing; like living to the fullest.

Yesterday, when the high was 45 and I was out in it. By the time I got back in my car with the heat I was hurting and numb and very uncomfortable. I was mad at myself for making myself tolerate the cold. I didn't do it too well because my fingers were hurting terribly.

I'm mad and angry that I even have to write this. I feel it's a bunch of nonsense. I don't want to go here. Yet, I have nowhere else to go presently.

The grass here is dead or 'asleep'. Not many beautiful palms; perhaps, they cannot live in this climate. Like me, they need the warmer climate. There is not much color. It is a true mild winter season.

Seasons are fun. Seasons are nice for being able to change to different clothing and just for a change. However, for me, I would have the winter season for one month and be done. Again, there is no changing Mother Nature.

And, apparently, there is no changing our own nature. Apparently, my body and mind just do not like the cold. So, like the past 30 years, why don't I just accept that I don't like the cold; that it hurts me; and go with it. I'll try this AGAIN. There is such a 'force' inside of me that wants to fight my inability to be comfortable in the cold. I'd lo go for a long walk in the snow with my dogs; slide down a tube on a mountain. However, I am sensing fight throughout my body. What if it's this fight and tension that is stopping my circulation and keeping my fingers from not living fully.

Interesting.

Do you have a 'fight' within yourself that you have been fighting for too long? How about we begin to stop the fight together or can we just decide to stop the fight altogether. Relax into ourselves.

RELAX INTO BEING U.

I know I'm tired of fighting. I just want my body to be comfortable and let go. It's time to let go of my fight with myself and who I am. Acceptance is a beautiful thing and it loves to be just out of my grasp at times. I would like acceptance of myself to be with me all the time.

I would like to accept acceptance continuously.

Are you with me?

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!