I'd Like to Take a Shot at It

This just may be the post I've been waiting for.  I went to my doctor's appointment today and sure enough it was a strong continuation of yesterday's 'massage' session.

She went right to my back and it became all about me feeling worthy of expressing myself and worthy of being in this world and not being afraid to express my inner me outwardly.

I'd like to just mention here that at my first psychiatry appointment at the age of 31, I stated then that I knew exactly what I needed and felt deep down (I felt like the knowledge was in my gut) only I did not know how to present it to the world and my surroundings. I always felt like my belly didn't belong to me.  Even when I was in the best shape ever and I was muscular and strong, my belly still eluded me from having a 'six-pack'.  I felt like I couldn't shape it like I was able to shape and sculpt the rest of me.

Anyway, (this is very hard for me to put in words because I believe it's not a 'brain' thing; it's an energy thing) we worked on my back and feelings of coldness and great pain in my body came up.  I mentioned something about "icebergs".   I thought immediately that this feeling was what I refer to as my scleroderma pain.  The pain I've been running from for a long time.  I knew we were tapping into it.  It scared me.  My fingers turned purple.  I stayed present when I wanted to shut down.  I felt this energy leave my body from my upper back and I found myself being too weak to stand on my own and completely drained of energy.  I thought that without this energy - I didn't know how to stand on my own.  It was very unsettling and, for me, very real. 

I didn't know who I was without this pain.  The doctor asked me to talk to this 'energy' and I thanked it for giving me so much insight and asked it to leave me alone and that it was no longer helping me and it was actually hurting me.  (I have said this to my 'scleroderma' before on numerous occasions).  It hasn't listened yet!

I am extremely tired right now.  My head can't seem to grasp too much and my thinking can't seem to stay in one thought and I just want to be in bed resting.

I feel like a 'lulu' writing this stuff and I feel like I can't convey the reality of what I experienced and how true and real it all felt.  Mind boggling and I so got it at the same time; so understood it from someplace within.  

C R A Z Y
(from Dictionary.Com) I just kept the descriptions that I felt appropriate for this post.

 1.  mentally deranged; demented; insane
 2.  senseless; impractical; total unsound
 3.  Informal . intensely enthusiastic; passionately excited.

 6.  Informal . unusual; bizarre; singular.

 8. likely to break or fall to pieces.

 9. weak, infirm, or sickly.

10. having an unusual, unexpected, or random quality, behavior, result, pattern, –noun

11. a sense of extreme unease, nervousness, or panic; extreme jitters

Felt kind of crazy to me in my head.  In my body and my inner knowing, it felt perfectly accurate.  Things came up that I realized I was holding on to that were no longer helpful or even accurate.  I learned it is time to let more old thinking and seeing go and bring on new thinking and seeing.

Funny - I just got an email on 'superb core exercises'.  Ha.

I couldn't wait to share this and yet I fear I'm coming across a bit frantic and unsettled.  I surely don't want to send that energy out to you.  I'd like to send a type of energy that would be hopeful and allow you to come from a place of complete openness for yourself.  Believe in what you feel.

Maybe nothing is wrong with a bit of craziness in our lives. Will you choose to accept what your understanding is and hear what your inner knowing is telling you.  I'm thinking this is what matters most. 

I'm thinking I'm not done.  I'll be back!