Be U: Owning our Own Life

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Owning our Own Life

I'm thinking about whether I own my own life. Do I have my hands on the steering wheel and my foot on the pedal and am I driving my life where I know that makes me happiest.

No, can't say that I always am.

When we are children, alot of us can't wait to become adults so we can 'do what we want' without 'anyone telling us what to do'. Well, I am now an adult (and I have been for a long time) and I still allow outside influences to push me to take detours; get trapped in dead ends and end up on freeways that I can't get off of easily.

I'd like to make my own road map and create my own destinations always towards happiness. I saw a bumper sticker today that said if it doesn't make you happy why are you doing it. I'm not feeling like it's that simple.

O    Organizing what matters to me
W    Winning to my best ability
N     Negotiating towards happiness
I       Influenced by noone unless I want to be
N     No when I want to say no
G     Going with the flow

I am compromising my happiness for another. Where do I draw the line. IN all honesty, as much as I don't want to go here; I've never had a teenager for a daughter before. I care and want 100% for her happiness. Does it have to cost me so much of my own. I fear she will see this and be upset. I feel I can't continue unless I face this truth that is so prevalent inside of me right now.

I am truly suffering living her love of life which is horses and outside in 40 deg. temperature. I have to figure out a happy medium for myself. Allow her to continue her path while I recreate my own while supporting her.

I understand why when I was growing up 'children should be seen and not heard' was a mantra for the adults. It is hard to be surrounded by things, places, people and ideas that I, myself, do not bring into my life. My child does. My love is tropical islands, beaches and hot, sunny days. Her love is it doesn't matter what temperature, what the surroundings or environment is like; get out there and ride the horses. I'm extremely proud and very grateful that she is finding her way and able to live her life and know that it is 'right for her' in her heart.  If I want to be in her life, then I follow on and try to share what I can.

So, I am here in 39 deg weather (it is going to 60) and living in just a regular hotel, no bells and whistles, not within the smell of the ocean; and hanging around dirt, poop and animals. At least at this show they have flushing toilets on the fairgrounds. Some horse shows, we use only port-a-potty(s).   Being a 'just a mom' in this environment is interesting to say the least. I can't imagine if I didn't love animals; I'd be completely out of my element.

So, am I living my own life? Yes and No.   Yes, in that I want to support my daughter and be with her and watch her thrive and grow and be the best that she can be. And, she is certainly doing that superbly. No, in that, I would never find myself here on my own accord. (Honda Accord - driving my own life, get it? Ha) I would never choose this for just me. My heart doesn't feel content here. And, because I'm doing this for her and not for me; I am grateful that I can give this to her.

I still want to be okay for me as well. It's important for me and I know it's important for her to see me wanting and fighting for my own dreams. When she has children; my wish for her is to better balance these lives than I am able to do.

I guess I am driving my own car; but it's parked alot right now. I am in the driver's seat of her car now and I will soon be handing over the wheel to her.

This, I suppose, is what we call transitioning from child into adult. I am proud to be here with her watching her and helping her when she needs me. She doesn't want to need me and she still does, at times.

So, I am choosing to park my car and get it in when I can. It's only two more years and then we will be in, mostly, separate cars. So, I'm going to enjoy her 'car' even if it kills me! HA.

Today I am working on balancing better to tip the scale for calmness and peace in myself while I drive unknown roads and follow signs I wouldn't follow if I were alone in my own car. I am so happy to have my daughter in a car with me; I truly am.

With this knowledge and understanding, I'm ready to move forward with happiness, pride and a sense of owning my own life; even with a teenager sometimes flattening my tires.

Note: I know my teenager doesn't say she is going to flatten my tires and stop me in my tracks. I know she loves me. I also know that she is growing into who she is and this is a part of life for all of us. It was so much, much more fun when I was the teenager!

To my daughter - I love you for who you are and what you represent and the love in your heart and the brilliance in your mind. I love you for the beauty of you. You are not responsible for the way I choose to drive. You are responsible for your own car.  You are doing great; YOU GOT THIS!

It doesn't have to be a teenager's car you are driving. It could be an elderly loved one, a sick spouse, anyone that counts on you to get by.

Whether you've done this already, you are doing this now, you will be doing this one day; my wish for you is that your own car won't be parked so long that the battery will need recharging.  Don't forget to get out there and drive your own car with the windows down and the breeze ablowing.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!

Coming for the Real You.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Owning our Own Life

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