Be U: Old Issues

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Old Issues

An old issue came up for me yesterday presented by a person who did something that I didn't enjoy living around as a child and didn't know how to deal with it then and, apparently, still don't know how to deal with it very well now. A friend drank too much and was weaving as she was standing and she drove a vehicle and I just knew she had too much to drink and she wouldn't admit it.

I noticed that my feelings and heart took over and I knew it be better to use my head in the moment AND my head wouldn't work. It felt numb; turned off; shut down.

That's exactly how I dealt with this as a child because then I wasn't equipped with enough information. I am now well equipped to do better and I'd like very much to.

I felt confusion, rejection, abandonment, frightened, alone. I tried to come from my intellect and I basically had none. Wow, talk about auto-pilot. AND, I seemed to be stuck (no dial to turn to a different station, so to speak).

I felt confusion because I didn't want to overreact. Rejection because she was just doing her own thing and not really there for me. Abandoned because she really wasn't able to share and visit with me. Frightened because I didn't want her getting back in the car to hurt herself or another and fear for her health. Alone because she wasn't connecting with me like I would have liked her to. I'm noticing rejection/abandoned/alone pretty much all fit into the same category. I also realize these are my issues from childhood.

Now, if I would have used my intellect, perhaps once she fell asleep (she stayed overnight) I would have done what I wanted to do instead of 'babysitting'. I would have known her drinking had nothing to do with me. I could have looked at it as lack of respect for herself and, therefore, me.

Yes, when we were younger and didn't have much responsibility, I drank with her. I did go through my own drinking phase. I was probably pretty 'good' at it. (not sure that was good, but it's true) When I had my beautiful daughter, I didn't want to anymore. Raising her became my priority. I can consider myself lucky or it's just what I knew to do. My friend has a child and I'm sadly afraid that the drinking is affecting him. He has stated on a few occassions that he's not really happy when his mom drinks. He doesn't like it. He doesn't mind it when it's a party and is safe and doesn't drive. But he hates it when it's a normal, regular day and he's depending on her and needs her to drive him or be coherent for him. He hates when it embarrasess him in front of his friends.

Sad. I realize it's out of my control. I can't make her stop. She has to want to do differently. I pray she wants to do differently soon. I would be so embarrassed and sad for her if she got a DUI, or was in an accident. I can tell she is loosing brain cells everytime she drinks. She has a dumb look on her face; she talks nonsense, her whole demeanor changes. Not a pretty sight.

For now, all I can do is tell her what I experience and pray something clicks within and she can love herself enough to do something to start a process of change.

From my viewpoint, I think I have to stay away from her when she drinks and know that I'm okay and not responsible and can't change her or help her until she asks for help.

Life is full of situations. I know we are all doing the best we can with what we know and I think she is not being her true self and, perhaps, even running from her true self. She is a great, fabulous person. A great big heart and has so much to offer the world and so much (I feel) that she can be proud about. She really 'rocks' in my eyes; except for the drinking. It's out of control. If a person has vodka in a car, drinking it; isn't this out of control; not to mention illegal in the United States.

If people are affected by someone else's actions on a somewhat continuous regular basis (and not in a good way); then does this mean it's a problem. I think so.

May you know how to do what is right for you in stressful situations. May you be brave enough to do it.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!