My life has been somewhat challenging, to say the least, these past couple of days. The cold, snow and wind have been crazy here. It's 18 deg outside presently and it feels it. Brrrrr.. (I do know it's winter!)
My hands are swollen and my thumbs seem to be the most hurtful. [It's all that texting. Guess I better take a break from it. One would think I would just stop doing it for a bit. It has become a definite way of communicating for me and it's not that easy to just stop for me. Just try getting a phone away from a young one who has lived with one most of their life just for the heck of it. Can we say 'third arm'? ha.*even my fingers don't want to stay real!] My feet are fragile to walk on and my body aches. I'm feeling kinda decrepit this week. I don't like it. I'm antsy and can't find solace.
I'm seeing things quite differently and not liking what I see. I'm also wondering why I wouldn't be 'sick' doing things and living the way I am living. A big OUCH.
The Being U thing (for me) is definitely the only way to go. I told someone yesterday that I have been allowing myself to be pulled from my head and my feet and each arm and leg has an animal on it that I give all of me freely to 'out there'. The more I am in 'here'; in my heart, my inner knowing, my true-ness; the more I am at peace. It's actually a beautiful thing. For me, not so easy to stay here, however.
Simple example would be that I think the dogs want a treat so I give them one. Yet, in my inner knowing I know it's not good to give them too many. The right thing for me is to give them one when I know it's a good thing; not when they are sitting there wanting it because I'm in the kitchen and I taught them when I eat, they get a treat also. (I think this is a really silly thing to share, however, it definitely is one of my inner 'battles'.)
It is my new habit to stay within and share from within. I am working extreme hours and burning extreme energy to make this new habit a true 'auto-pilot' mode for myself and discard some of my old auto-pilot behaviors.
In doing so, my life is on constant change mode. It is certainly a ride, not usually an exhilarating one. The work it takes to 'change' is certainly a work-in-progress for me and the energy is absorbent. The people around me, I believe, are also having their own challenges and changes and wars of their own. The people that are supporting me most are fluctuating and feeling their own lives and it can't be easy to support me right now, I believe. Yet, I have people doing it beautifully and I thank them tremendously.
The Nelson Mandela poem about when we are true and powerful, we help others to be true and powerful. It doesn't always come in feeling powerful. In fact, sometimes I can feel pretty weak. However, the power feeling does come.
One example - (mmmm, not so easy to come up with one) it's hard because I'm ok with throwing myself 'under the bus', but I do not want to publicly throw a loved one under.
.......... .........
Actually, this is extremely hard for me. My mind has become muddled and can't grasp something to put together here...... (WOW) crazy.
It's pretty much about me being unhappy with some of the ways things are done and run in my life presently. It's hard because it is about the way I see and think my life could look like that would help me feel more alive and smiling often. And, it's not what my life looks like.
So, this is a pretty big week for me. Realization, Anger/Shame that I've allowed my life to grow in this direction to this point, and now asking for what I need and want. (big, big sentence for me)
I need to be with this realization for a bit. I will decipher and take it from there.
In the meantime, my wish for you is that you are living you and you have it 'going on'.
Here comes the New Year. For me, it really is NEW. I'm bringing alot of my 'old' with me and what is no longer working for me, I'm leaving behind.
Old meets New - what a lovely thing for me. Bring it!
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