Be U: Can we Talk (Christmas) Balls?

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Can we Talk (Christmas) Balls?

I'm definitely not sure (what?-definitely not sure?) if I want to talk about the balls. If I want to be this true.

deep breath

Just got done hanging the balls on the tree. Did take me some time. I am exhausted and feeling dumb and frustrated.

Just to open the boxes, the way they 'cling' together is a chore. Then to get the balls out of the box. They fit snugly so if I pull by the hook, sometimes the top pulls off. To get the top back on with the way the two prongs have to be squeezed into the hole is very hard for my fingers. The hook gets stuck holding on to the box and makes the ball harder to get out. I put my finger underneath the ball to push it up and out. To grab the ball around it's circumference and gently lift the ball out of the box isn't happening for me. A 'thorn' of a tree branch went right into one of my ulcers on my fingers. Ouch.

Not only was screaming and stomping happening; crying came this time as well. My one big dog, poor thing, went out back.

Now, most of the time, I had Christmas music on, my dogs lying around the tree and peace was in the air.

And, it was in a few instances, all of the other stuff happened. It was like a out of control roller coaster. Just to put balls on the Christmas tree; my goodness. (I think I forgot about accepting what is during this time.)

I told myself I was doing this because I enjoyed it. I asked myself why we do all this work. I wanted to call someone and ask them to tell me again why we do all this work for one day?

I know it's about the season. I know I find it beautiful and somewhat enchanting. I know I love sitting in the dark with Christmas lights on. I know it's about Jesus' birth. I know it's about love and giving and receiving.

I know I feel blessed when I see my family smiling.

This is why I do it. I hope that next year will be easier for my fingers. If not, I hope I can give myself more of a break and not feel guilty if I don't do it all at once or in a timely manner or even at all. Stop when I hurt and come back to it later, when I'm calmer; renewed.

Do I love that the tree is up - you betcha. Do I wish I'd been easier on myself - you betcha.

Out.

Are you giving yourself the time you need to enjoy this season? If so, good for you; that's what it's all about. If not, what do you need to do to find enjoyment?

New York City, NY's Christmas Tree 2009.

Hey, good thing I didn't have to put balls on that tree. I never would have made it! Ha.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!

Coming for the Real You.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Can we Talk (Christmas) Balls?

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