Be U: Believing in My Inner Knowing

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Believing in My Inner Knowing

I am thinking, feeling and dealing with things (that pop up in every day life) differently and I am confused and somewhat paralyzed with responding to them.

All this hard work that I've been doing; about my inner knowing and bringing it out into the world has been a lot of really great lessons, growth and change. (Hey, am I finally becoming an adult.)

I guess it's time to incorporate and work with what I've learned and now live my truth and I am unable to work on 'auto-pilot' right now. It's a pretty strange feeling for me. Definitely NOT in my comfort zone.

I did walk around responding the same, feeling the same and acting the same as I did for years. Hence, auto-pilot.

So now I'm finding new and better ways that work for me in this chapter of my life. It's interesting and hard how I seem to stop and have to think about things and then respond accordingly.

i.e.   A friend called and told me she needed me. My initial reaction was to drop everything and go to her, no matter what it took out of me. No matter about the other people in my life that would be affected. No matter if most likely it would not accomplish anything. (of course, I don't know this for sure; but betting on recent past behavior and experiences...)

This time I sat for a minute (two days if I'm being honest) and realized that me going there would exhaust me (it's a two hour one way trip). With Christmas, my own health, my responsibilities here; in reality it would be extremely hard on me. And, this wonderful friend is stuck in her life so deeply right now (her health is bad, she is beating herself up in many different, unhealthy ways) that she's really not quite the wonderful friend that I have known her to be.

I've been 'running' to her and for her for a few years now. Doing this because of my belief I need her in my life; it's my job to help her out if I love her. I want her to be okay.

So, old me would have run up there and gotten myself tired and exhausted. I would have enabled her to continue her life for one more day as she has been living it. I wouldn't have been true to me or have listened to my inner knowing.

Am I scared that I'm hurting her more?  A bit, yes. Do I really believe that I couldn't help steer her towards a better life if I went up there. 100%.

What I've done in the past for her, most likely, has only kept her stuck.   It did not change her OR help her figure it out for herself. Which, sadly maybe, is the only way we truly get on with our lives--by figuring it out internally.

This is why I haven't done this 'change' sooner. It is definitely extremely high on the difficult list for me.

So, I am going to be honest and tell her what I'm feeling and live my truth; my inner knowing; my Be U-ness. I truly believe this is the best thing for her, me and all that live around us.

I'm learning that if I keep my actions and thoughts about me through love for people; this is the best gift I can give to my world.

I love this person with everything that I am. I now know that I can't help her until she is ready to truly look at her life and help herself and do things differently.

What do they say at interventions. I will do anything in my power to help you love yourself and be the best person you can be. I will not do anything to help you kill yourself anymore, nor be the worst person you can be.   (okay, I said it my way).

The best, most perfect way to do anything is through my inner knowing; through each and everyone of us living our inner, deepest knowing.

Look out, the steam, express, high speed locomotive train is coming through and I cannot stop it nor do I want to.

God help me! God help all of us......every one.

Are you on board?

Is this a Christmas party now or what.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!

Coming for the Real You.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

Believing in My Inner Knowing

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