Be U: Tru Dat

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Tru Dat

Oh boy.   Here I go.   I want to resist and I don't want to resist and this time, 'least resistance' wins! I am uncertain that this is a good thing!

I'm finding myself in a 'pickle'.. at a crossroads... in a dilemma... confused, resistant, almost horrified, and wishing this wasn't my truth....

I want to support and be a part of creating a continued flow of love and ease in our world. I truly believe that I have experienced/lived this life of mine, thus far, to do just this. This is my assigned divine work.   I believe this with everything that I am and feel.

-deep breath-

and, While I believe this and breathe this, I also breathe and experience fear, anguish and for a lack of a better word, confusion and anything but homeostasis.

How can I support and help the world if I don't even know how to be in it.   Now, of course, I know how to be in it. I do not, however, feel that I know how to be in it. Huge. Yucky (for a lack of a better word).

I'm out and about more and I see such pain and things that are hard to stay focused on and I have no perfect description of my experience(s).

I see animals being mistreated. I see people being angry, off center, struggling, hurting, scared, frightened and lost... although 'lost' is not the best word here. I'm not sure what the best word is. It's more like we are functioning from what society has become; what society has taught us and what society labors us to function as.

I'm not sure this is a horrible thing. I am pretty sure there must be a more productive, kind, open, loving, aware, caring, easy way.

We are amidst the booming age of technology. And, while technology rocks... it is not without its stones - plenty, plenty, plenty of stones. It is like technology is leading the way and not the human mind, spirit or heart. I'm sure this is just a balancing period and I'm not sure if many of us feel and live in balanced harmony just now.

Was there ever a time humans did? I am uncertain.

I love people. I love to interact with them (once I get my brave on) and I love hearing and learning about their experiences, their thoughts, their goals, their triumphs and their challenges. Each and every one of us has all of these traits or characteristics. They are a part of being alive.

I do feel like a newbie going out into this world of technology, change, passion, and rift. Swiping of credit cards, thumbprints, software updates, e-checks, keyless entries, notebooks, computers, smart phones, smart homes, text, email, twitter, facebook, etc. etc. etc.  Much of this is very cool and makes life easier 'stuff'. Why does life feel harder to me then, at times?

We are all entwined in our phones. We are all entwined with what has to be done to stay afloat. We are all entwined with each other, yet can ignore a person sitting right next to us or living in our same location. We have huge country debt. We have Americans fighting Americans. We have countries fighting countries. We have many putting each other down. We have family members hurting family members like no one else can. We have many thinking it is okay to put each other down because it's the job or the competition or 'their' fault. We are hurting our universe, our earth, our animals, our people and our children; our oceans, our air....

How do I live in a world like this and help by being a positive light... especially when all of this scares me... really, really scares me when I think about it. It feels so much easier to hide or ignore. And, hiding/ignoring is no longer an option. It is no longer an option because I'm not comfortable doing so. I'm not comfortable only healing, being, shining my light as if I think I am a light house. I've played it safe and I have grown, learned, felt, and connected to myself totally and wholly. And, I feel like I do not know how to bring this 'true self' out to play in a world so big, powerful, hurtful and scary.

I do see the beauty, the connection, the underlying love, peace, unity and strength that is just quietly waiting patiently for me to go with what I've learned and be the wuss, the weirdo, the crybaby, the weakling, the standout, the scaredy cat, the unique woman that feels the underlying beauty in each and everyone of us. I'm speaking of the spirit soul that is the most precious and beautiful thing about being alive. Each and every one of us has this. We were born. The soul came with us. We were hurt, challenged, questioned, berated, told and (some were) beaten into the humanness of walking the earth alive.

It is time to change things up.   It is time to support the most scariest of persons. If I lived their life, I'm betting I'd be scary too. Anger, hatred, horribleness is born out of hurt, pain, fear and, perhaps, detachment from self because to feel is just too much to live with; to bear.

A person that can kick an animal... is not a happy or true to their deepest essence self. What it must feel like inside of oneself to enjoy someone else to suffer. One must know great pain themselves to experience or cause pain and not be affected horribly by it. One must really dislove themselves to be able to dislove another.

I don't believe there is one person alive and breathing that can totally, truly and gently love themselves and hurt another. I am not sure this is a possibility within even the human realm.

So, anyway, my question is how do I love and not let the fear of the 'scary' people, things, situations, moments, hurtful sightings and uneasy feelings make me want to run for the hills.   How do I let myself - that wants to support others to find their love of themselves wholly and beautifully, while knowing of great pain, anguish and ugly - get out there and feel it, experience it, witness it all and stand strong...

I do not know.   I am open to finding out and doing just this. I travel on. I travel through.

May you let the banging whispers that are uniquely yours (that you have resisted, perhaps, for a long time) lead your way to the life that is your assigned divine work.   May you ask, perhaps, that it comes through you with love, truth, gentleness. and ease.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!