Be U: No Title

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, October 28, 2013

No Title

I have no title for this blog post because nothing is on my mind to post. I sit here wondering what will come of this post with no hope whatsoever. However, enthusiasm is present.

I had a low key day today with my beautiful and wonderful daughter.   I do not get days like this with her often and I am cherishing every moment.  She will be 19 very soon and I know her wings are growing.

I think 19 was my favorite year for me of all time. I was out of high school, working at a good job and having the time of my life through independence, freedom and feeling like the whole world was my playground and anything was possible.   I lived each day like this. Note: the whole world to me was the Universe without countries, boundaries but with endless possibilities to 'play' with and explore. I was so open to explore and I surely was doing just this!

I had my own apartment; a rental unit for the summer months down at the beach, a brand new car and freedom.  There was nothing else I wanted at that age. While I had battled with finger ulcers and pain through the scleroderma; at this time, no professional knew what was going on and I was so young and carefree I just went with it. Not until I was 21, was there a name and a diagnosis for my symptoms..."scleroderma". Still, I pretty much ignored what I could and lived my life to the fullest.

I worked my full time job as secretary, a part time time job as a data entry person during the week in the winter. And every summer, until I met my husband at age 25, a wonderful girlfriend and I had a rental unit down at the beach which we spent there every weekend and our 2 weeks of vacation time and even some 'sick' days. I jogged and we spent sunlight hours on the beach and we experienced the night life; day in and day out. Yes, I was having myself great FUN.   I always said I work hard; I play hard.

I was not low key then!

So, today was a wonderful and relaxing low key kind of day. The weather was magical. We did a visit to the barn, a walk in nature and we just spent time in the same room, with her doing her school work and me just doing nothing really.

She will head back to her dorm tonight and I will look at houses and now cars. My lease on my car is up and I have the option of getting a new car. I like me a fun car. I always enjoyed my cars. Comfort, fun, thinking I'm pretty cool always came with a car and a special license plate.   LOL I must be cool in here somewhere yet!

My husband comes for 11 days soon and I am so looking forward to having him here with me. I've missed him terribly. We will see how long this lasts once he arrives! lol I know it will be wonderful having him here.

So, I have no words of wisdom. I have no thoughts that may have some meaning.

May you sometimes 'just be' and let life live through you without any judgement, strife, worry, or 'have to's'. May you have rest and joy in your heart if only so you can get out there and have yourself some great fun whatever that means to you.

Unknown

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!