Be U: Heavy

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Heavy

I'm feeling a heaviness today. I surely don't want it and it is here. I'm pushing forward while asking this heaviness to teach me what it is here to teach me. Do I dare thank it for presenting itself to me because I believe it is here to help me change something that does not bring me joy...

I want ease. I want to wake up and just feel like breathing in the light air, open to the world and all the people I meet; if only just a nod or a hello.

One beautiful lady I met this morning was bright eyed and bushy tailed with her 'good morning' and I told her I wasn't that awake yet. I haven't been this 'awake' in a long time. There is something heavy that still weighs me down.

I'm sure it is my belief. I'm thinking it's responsibility. Perhaps, most, in truth, it is how I look at responsibility of my dogs. (Here comes the 'dog' thing again.) What is it that I tie myself down to these dogs about. Could it be as simple as I never thought a small dog was really a 'dog'... I think they need to be coddled more; treated differently than German Shepherds or Australian Shepherds. It also feels like the abandonment issue hasn't been completely dissolved from my being in this situation as well. *THOUGHTS ARE WHAT MAKE US WHO WE ARE.*

I brought the small dogs home. I've only known to be with bigger dogs until these guys. I love my small dogs. Hey, I can love a bird greatly. And, I have to release them some so I can feel more free than I'm allowing myself to feel. I am the only one stopping myself from going to lay in the sun. I am the only one that is stopping myself from going out for a drive. In creating a profession, I am the only one that stops myself and the only one that can make it happen. I am the only one that can allow or disallow myself to be. This is good news/bad news.

No one is going to come and take my hand and show me the exact way. Sure, there are people out there that will help me, have wonderful (and maybe not so helpful) opinions, and even guide me -- and, I'm the only one that can create and live the life that I want to create and live. And, in truth, I wouldn't want it any other way.

I am thinking this way, I must be ready to do something different. Hip Hip Hooray and Yikes.

I create today to be the kind of day that I want it to be. I am open to lighter, brighter feelings and moods. I release the heaviness as I feel it, process it and let it go.

I'll see if this does 'anything' for me!

May you choose to create the kind of day you want to live in.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!