Be U: Shame

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Shame

It's a Shame. (love that song - and that is not where I am going)

I realize that I have much 'shame' today. I'm not feeling strong, happy or vital. I'm feeling confused, sad and weak. I have shame that I feel this way; shame that I'm not up and about more than I am already.  I hear a 'voice' saying, I must know how to be stronger than I am feeling just now.   I don't want to share myself with others when I feel this way. I laid in bed in the dark. My head feels like it wants to explode.   I've tried lovingly to envision this happening (have to keep trying on) so that the strong energy pool that is sitting at the top of my skull would dissipate; albeit, to no avail.

I really haven't cut back on much medicine and I'm completely in the dark (ha) about if it's the thought of doing so; the really big wish that I wasn't 'dependent' on medicine; or that my body was on the exact dose it does need.

Shame. I have shame about not knowing better, feeling better, doing better and being better. YIKES.   That's a lot of shame.

It's very uncomfortable sitting in shame.

I received an email from a loved one after telling him about this shame that I am feeling. It helped me to stabilize some and I'd like to share it with you.

I'm going to put it in my own words because I am uncertain the actual source from where it came.

Shame happens when one's faults or weaknesses are showing and shame comes from one's negative thoughts of oneself.

Feeling shame is about self evaluation. Shame is about not feeling good about oneself. Psychiatrist Judith Lewis Herman concludes that "Shame is an acutely self-conscious state in which the self is 'split', imagining the self in the eyes of the other; by contrast, in guilt the self is unified.".

So, as I sit in this shame; I realize that my thoughts, which are mostly inaccurate, are creating this shame. I believe these thoughts are so prevalent because I am getting ready to head back north. I had hoped to be stronger before I did this.

So, to put it in a more realistic thought process.... I have great discomfort; I take medicine to help me with this pain. (Although I'm still questioning 'pain' because it is different that it used to be; it's not throbbing fingers; it's the whole body's stiffness and tight skin fitting on my skeleton that is my bones; it's the discoloration and blood loss to my hands when I'm cold or highly stressed). I know there are always side affects to any medicine. I know that I wish there were other options for me. I know I've tried many. I know I will keep trying until I don't try anymore. I know that if I accept this as my truth; this is all that matters to my psyche. I am doing the best I can with the current situation at hand (no pun intended!). I have had the same doctor for 30 years that has been working with me with these and many other drugs that we have tried over the last 30 years. I get regular blood tests. I listen to the doctor. He works with me. He stays on top of all new medicine and options that are available to me. I have seen several specialists over the years asking for help. What more can a woman ask for..... Oh, I can think of some! And, I am grateful that I have lived this much for this long, this greatly, and I plan to continue onward as best I can with what I have and what I know and who I am and where I've been.

So, as I make a conscious choice to let go of the shame, (this is not the place for it), I 'brain' on and embrace myself with the truth of what is. Not the thoughts that I have recycled again and again and again that are hurtful and unhelpful.

May you disregard/change your own thoughts that are not true and only think the thoughts that are helpful in you moving forward to be the BEST YOU possible.

May you erase the shame and guilt that has settled inside of you from a long time ago and either wasn't helpful then and/or certainly not helpful now. What if it is just a conscious choice to do so....   Start anew and live the best you that you can choose for yourself today. I'm with you.

Photographer/Place Unknown

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!