Be U: Drugs

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Drugs

I have been on medicine for a very long time. Way more on than off. Since last Monday at my cranial sacral session, something in me clicked strongly that maybe I don't need or want these drugs anymore. Perhaps, that they may even be hurting me.

I have felt this way before. I have gone on and off several times throughout these 30 years. I have heard a doctor say that I am not addicted; I am dependent. I'm questioning the difference.   I do understand that I was being told that just like a person with diabetes or high blood pressure needs medicine to keep the condition stable, I need pain medicine.  I do understand that for a long time, pain medicine did help me get through many a day and sleepless night. I was grateful for the drug many times over.

Today, however, I am feeling deep inside that my body doesn't want it anymore. My body is feeling like it is poisoning me more than helping me.

I have fear and shame in discussing these drugs and my 'dependence'. When I was first given medicine way back in my late teens (waaaay back, lol), an adult that loved me said "you should be strong enough NOT to need a drug" and that has 'haunted' me long.   I did need the drugs; or so I believed and felt. My pain has been great for a very long time. I have suffered a good amount.   I remember concerts, dinners, parties, get-togethers where my pain was so great I could focus on nothing else. I remember long nights just rocking myself to try to comfort myself. My husband spent many moons rubbing my hands for me to help subdue great pain.   It truly was like my fingers were dying while I was living. Dramatic, yes. True, yes.

Yesterday, I became aware of my pupil(s). The dilation of the black circle. It looked beautiful to me. I know drugs affect the size of this dilation/constriction just like the sun. Recently (yesterday), I do not want to be dependent on the drug anymore and I started weaning some. My head is dizzy and my body weak. My eye sight is not strong. I'm seeing things through a very light 'fog'.

I do not know where I will be an hour from now regarding drugs. I only know where I am this moment. I don't like them for me.

It's interesting how this is exactly what this drug is supposed to do to/for me; affect brain receptor sites.   Decreasing the amount affects me exactly how the less drugged body is supposed to react.

Yet, my human craziness thinks it is all me. I want to put blame on myself for not doing better, knowing better. I want to blame myself for not being strong enough. I also wish that knowing what is best for me was as easy as black and white.

Albeit, this is not to be true for me today. So, I walk on and through; excited to see what happens next.

All I can do is trust myself; my inner knowing; my body; my mind to proceed forward and create the life that I am continuously supposed to be in. Sure, I have control over much. I surely do not have control over everything.

I do what I can with what I have with where I've been and who I am.   So do you. THIS is enough. We are all enough just now as we are.

We move forward together in light, love, beauty and hope. We support each other and ourselves as best we can.

We move on.

May you enjoy the ride of your life. You are the only one that can!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!