Be U: Posts

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Posts

This writing has helped me so greatly. Sometimes I would write 2, 3 or 4 posts saying the same thing with different words, and even the same words; and not 'hear' (know) them until writing them a couple of times.

It is amazing how my (the) human brain can dislodge, disassociate, ignore much of what is habit and allow me to run on auto-pilot. I did the same thing over and over and over again wanting to do it different. (I still do I'm sure.)

When asked, "Are you ready to change, will you do anything at all to do/get better?" My answer was always "Yes". And, little did I know my deepest part of my human was so ingrained that it was laughing at me in a loving way. Basically, it was saying "I have to be taught this." "I need you to teach me this or I never will learn." And, my unconscious 'brain' was certainly not always loving to myself over and over and over again.

For me, it really had to be a CONSCIOUS awareness:  thought awareness, emotional awareness, body awareness, language awareness, response awareness; energy awareness and I'm sure even more.

However, through this GREAT awareness of self; change can and does happen if we choose it. Evolving from what we knew and how we were raised and the beliefs we owned as our own TO being here now and knowing what I know to feeling what I feel, saying what I say, emoting what I emote AND trusting that all of this is 'okay', 'enough', and 'born to be'; speaking and sharing all of this.... is the only way I have found to change the dynamics of what I don't want to want I do want to live my days as.

Now, I'm experiencing this 'settling in' of myself that I chose to create and following my inner knowing (spiritually) to live the greatest of self possible to me at this moment.

So, settling in I do. Ha.   This is a very unsettling process for me. And, I won't back down now.

My head actually feels waves of energy surfing the inside of my brain and scalp as to relocate, associate, and pay attention to what is now.

I allow and embrace where I'm at.   I trust where I'm going.   I'm excited to continue on.

Journey on.   We are making this journey, may as well participate!

May you journey on with your whole self AWARE of yourself. Be you with your 'aware' button turned on high as possible and without pressure or judgment. Just live and notice how you live if you choose.

Watch yourself living.

                                  Ha! This is an active SWAT team I saw on the road.
                                    Picture was taken in my side rearview mirror yesterday.
                                The picture is perfect for this post. It feels like a whole SWAT team
                                     is needed to make many self changes! lol   How apropos!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!