Be U: Ugh and Double Ugh

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Ugh and Double Ugh

I am home in Pennsylvania and it was 28 deg F last night. My heat in all of my house seems to be off; not working at all. The warmest section of the house is 65 deg. I can kinda sorta handle that. It is 64 in my family room and only 59 in my living room. YIKES.

After being in Florida at an average 75 deg F temperature; then coming home to this.... My system has taken a hit. The cold is shutting me down. I have developed one ulcer on my pinky and both my thumbs are sore. I was very happy with all the work I was able to accomplish with my hands while down in Florida opening boxes, moving furniture....

Perhaps, this is time to pay for it.

I am very sad and disheartened that this is my truth. I could go very low if I allowed myself. I never wanted to report that an ulcer has developed on a finger ever again. I believed I was done with them. It saddens me greatly that the truth is different than what I want.

However, I'm trying to embrace it; be aware of it, alert to it and go with it. So, while my head is telling me that, as I lay in bed deep under the covers to keep warm and calm the pain, everyone else is moving around and living and doing. Of course, with all I have studied, learned and experienced, I know this is not really the total truth. Yes, some people are fortunate enough to be doing and living and going. However, to say 'everyone' is... this is not the truth of the world.

Many of us (most even) have something big right now that we would rather not have to face or confront or just admit to ourselves some truth of what is in our life. Many of us are more aware and being forced to face things that, perhaps, we have not been able/willing to do before. What comes to mind is 'time for pretense is over'. This is a big powerful statement. I believe it is the truth for many.

With everything I am, I believe this is a good thing. Not an easy thing - an extremely hard thing - but a good thing.

As I am, once again, affected negatively by the cold, I continue on. I continue forward. I may be slow; I may be aching, I may be a bit miserable (ha); and I move on.

I trust that I will be okay and this is the plan for my life. I believe this because I tell myself that this is my life currently, so it must be the plan.

I am looking forward to seeing what comes next.

May you embrace your truth. Perhaps, what you least want to face, is what would be most beneficial for you to face. I'm just sayin....

May you go where you do not want to go....AND, may you be greatly rewarded for it and the people in your life affected positively by it.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!