Be U: Where I'm At

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Where I'm At

As much as I am resisting admitting this, I feel my body aching and irritable and if I could hear it talk, I think it would be lightly screaming. It's this old familiar feeling of pain, discomfort, tightness,numbness and not wanting to be in my body.

I have been stretching a lot because of this 'screaming'. It does help. And I seem to tighten right back up.

All day I've been wondering why now. I thought maybe my fear of my little dog going under anesthesia and her poor little mouth having to heal after a tooth extraction and tartar removal. Next, I thought maybe because my husband changed his schedule and I want to work around it, again. I'm wondering if it's just this unsettled feeling of being unsettled. Then I realized it was only 60 degrees this morning (norm was high 70's and above at this same time for the last month just about). And, for the millionth and one time, I am in awe that lower, fastly falling temperatures can affect me so much.

So, it could be the weather; and it could be my mind. I really do not know for sure what comes first. Is it my mindset that hurts my body OR my hurt body that changes my mindset. Oh, what an interesting ride this life of mine has me on.

I saw a video on 'chronic disease' and how to deal with chronic disease. I watched another video with nature pictures and a beautiful voice singing about it being a beautiful world. I've talked to friends to share my truth. I had to share with my husband for the millionth and second time that I'm not feeling up for much today. and, yet....

I know I walk alone... We all walk alone... together.

I am resisting this being my truth. I know that resistance is not helpful for me. I want to embrace that I don't have much energy and there is something here that tells me that to not have energy, to not be strong, to not be more productive is not the way I want to go through life. What is it that I'm holding on to as I choose to not allow, accept, and know that I'm beautiful even when I feel less than in most every one of my cells... Yikes.

I may be being my worst enemy today. I am not choosing to be my best friend. This is not a good time to feel 'yucky'. I want to know in all of who I am that whatever is going on with me, how I feel; what I think; what I do; what I know; and who I am with.... I am still 'living'. Perhaps, getting through the day of some pain and discomfort while appreciating my life and my loved ones and the beauty of both... that this just may be as productive as I need to be...today.

The weather outside is beautiful now as the sun is out and the temperatures warm. I am grateful to see, connect, feel and embrace such beauty even when I, myself, resists my own.

I surely do not want to admit this as my truth. And, my truth it is... in this moment.

I know if I wait long enough, this moment will be gone and a new moment of feeling different will be upon me. How wondrous of a 'ride' we live.

May you know the wondrousness of your life with all of who, what, where, how and 'am' that you are.

Live your truth and the connection, light and love of the universe is always closer to you. I believe.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!