Be U: Fear

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Fear

All I am connected to most today is fear. Fear to speak, fear to move, fear to fear. I read this morning that "Fear is the adrenaline of life" (Inpower Sisterhood). I believe I have known and highly used adrenaline for many years.  I allowed my thinking to label adrenaline as flight or fight. When I knew it as flight I went like the energizer bunny. Now, that I am labeling this feeling fear (maybe fight), I stand like the tortoise.

I have no words, no feelings, no thoughts. I just feel still. Still in discomfort. Still in comfort. I sat down at my computer fighting to not do so because of fear of how I am feeling.

My head is yelling - 'you are nuts talking this way'. My heart is beating. My belly is full and I am connected to my eyes seeing out of my face. (interesting way to speak, yikes)  I feel my fingers touching the keyboard (wow). I hear the whirl of the air conditioner fighting to keep up to stay cool against the almost 100 degree outside heat. There is stillness.

My Little Bear just came in to sit with me. I hear a TV in the background. News is on. As I came out here, I thought how interesting it is that the anchor woman smiles as she talks about someone suing someone else. They talk about death and destruction. I wonder what the depression rate and health issues are that are among news people. It cannot be good talking about hurtful things most of the day. I don't watch the news. I hear what is 'big' each time by talking to others who are either in a habit of watching the news or 'enjoy' (Is enjoy the right word?) watching the news or believe it's important to be 'informed'. [I have nothing against news people; most are intelligent, caring people.]

We are all so bombarded with social media, cameras, cell phones that are like our third arm, computers that are a necessity to be connected to the human force of today and everything else that technology has provided us with for a 'better, easier life'.

Why then, is it that I'm almost certain that I do not know one person who is admitting to how relaxed, peaceful and easier their life is just now compared to what they knew and felt previously. [Don't get me wrong, most technology is brilliant. And, when it really works.. oh la la.]

Our world as we knew it is changing. Some people call it a 'shift'. I feel that so much is in our face. Our biggest challenges may be being presented in a way that there is no where to hide. We are up against a wall and have to face these issues head on. We must connect to our truth and share this truth to get through this shift; to create anew.

A world where hurt/suffering/pain is not accepted by ignorance/avoidance and, instead, togetherness, easy breathability and contentment is the norm. No more abuse of animals, our food, our strive for beauty and big money, ourselves and each other.   No more abuse. No more hurting because this just is the way we do things. I want us to come from love, patience and support. I'd like us to fuel our bodies with food and move our bodies because we can and it feels good.

I'd like money to come easily to us because we are doing something we love and it betters our world economy, environment, and/or people. Where money is not a thing to have to feel worthy or powerful and love is the most impressive thing to have and to 'spend' on each other. I'd like us to connect to each other on a deeper level towards spirit and not on a mental level that stays above the heart. I'd like us to treat animals as living creatures that are connected to us and honor mountains with greenery and ice on them because they help us to breathe and to drink; and our planet to thrive.   I'd like us to connect to the flow and ebb of the ocean tides and the beauty and vastness of the salt water and fresh lakes. May dusk and dawn be noticed and honored each day, every day, by all of us.

Everything just processes. Everything just flows and ebbs. Everything is energy. Everything is everything.

May you know that you are a part of everything. What you put out into our world matters. The thoughts that you think matter. The breath that you take matters. The smile that you share matters. The pain that you know matters. YOU MATTER. You are; therefore, you are everything. I am; therefore, I matter.

I didn't see this information coming and it's good to know what I wish for! I believe that every breath, every living creature's breath matters.

May you find yourself knowing what matters and may it be beautiful, loving and add/build to a much easier life here on earth. May you live as if it is possible to breathe your beautiful truth in and out and allow others to do the same. We are all born doing this.... what happens?

I have no clue as to how I arrived 'here'. I did not ask for this. I did not go looking for this, per se. It is deep within me... apparently.  I did go looking for the depth of who I am.

JUST LOVE YOU

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!