Be U: Don't

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Don't

I don't want to write because I don't want to admit how lazy and stuck I feel. I don't want to do anything. I thought I wasn't moving much before. Well, today, I really am moving very little.

My body feels heavy. My mind feels uncertain about most things. I don't have a step by step plan.

I'm enjoying this moment and as soon as I leave this moment with my thoughts, I feel uncomfortable, uncertain, insecure and like I won't have enough energy to accomplish; get through; know what to do to propel me to where I want to be.

I guess if I knew exactly where I wanted to be that this would be of great help to me.

I'm sitting strongly in myself. 'Myself' doesn't know where I belong. Oh, the problems I can come up with!

The thought of going to Florida end of August into an apartment that is small, and not where I am most comfortable, doesn't make me want to do a dance. Now, if it was cold up here, I'd really want to go. But, with the beautiful weather and backyard that I have here makes me want to stay and enjoy the weather here. The fall is so beautiful here in Pennsylvania. However, my plan is to go to Florida in August to help set my daughter up for college and, because we are selling this house, I am thinking I might as well stay down there so the realtors could get busy and possibly sell easier if I wasn't living here.

I realize how all these thoughts are not helping to stabilize or give me strength.

I know I want to go to Florida for the long winters. I know, pretty much, the location that I want to buy in. I know my husband is on board with this. I know I have to sell this house because it's too big to continue to own and have it empty while I am in Florida and my daughter in college and my husband traveling for work.

Yet, (does there have to be a yet...?!) letting go of this home that is my Shambala and all about what I think is comfortable and beautiful; what I poured my heart, soul, joy and many memories into; is just bittersweet. My mind tells me I should be having a party and celebrating this house. My mind also tells me that it's really no longer my home and so much is put away that a party like the one I am used to throwing is impossible.

So, I get to the place where if I want to have a party, just have one with what is possible today. Then I get like a little kid; throw a silent tantrum and get stuck because I don't want to have this reality of what I created. Yikes.

LOL How childish and silly. Hard to believe after all this work I've done on myself that I can still find myself here. Wow. Never say never. Accept what is. Go with the flow. Walk on and through.

They say awareness is the first step. Well, I'm aware. I'm waiting for the next 'steps'!

I'm celebrating the Fourth Of July - USA Independence Day with a real bang!! LOL

May you know your truth; be honest with your truth; look it straight on and do one small thing to keep you moving onward to where you believe you are going.

I believe I will add one more thing here to my boxes that are going there....I did say small... LOL

It's ALWAYS ok to......
╔═════════~♥ &☮~══════╗
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The road to ME! I'd be delighted if you would :) TERESA XXX

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!