Be U: Restless

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Restless

Uh Oh.   I'm feeling restless. What will I do with it....

Yes, I guess I question most everything.... Yikes.   It's exhausting. It's rewarding. It's me.

I'm 'feeling' strange and weird. I'm a 'child' moving through the unknown. I'm emotionally discovering much and physically experiencing little. (Although I did do yoga and 'bollyfit' yesterday due to this newly arrived restlessness.)

I walk through the peaks of the unknown exploring anew. Everything and anything is in front of me and within reach. I believe.

I'm not sure what I want to grab onto. So, I'm grabbing very little just now.

As this 'child', I am feeling immature and naive. As an adult, I'm discovering that it's time to look at my relationship to my dogs. Oh, I so do not want to go here. And, go here, I shall.

While getting their treat for going outside first thing this morning which is baked chicken; (there is always baked chicken in the refrigerator for them), I realize that I am not listening to my own inner wisdom when it comes to them. I am listening to my mind tell me what I think they want and respond to this. They tell me when they want to play; when they want to go out; when they want their food and when they want a treat. Of course, they are dogs; they can do this.!? And, when we were in Florida, I was more on a schedule with them because I liked  to walk them on a somewhat regular routine. Here, because we have a big fenced-in back yard, I am much more lax.

However, I am not helping them when I give them so much chicken that they do not want to eat their dog food. I am not helping them when I jump at most of their whims; especially if I get irritated because I am doing something else. I do not easily put myself first if there is another living thing around me. I even saved a wasp stuck in a spider nest out back. I let a fly out of the garage and I lifted a dragonfly outside after it climbed up onto a piece of cardboard. I placed a stink bug on a paper towel outback and I took a baby frog out of the swimming pool and placed him back into the pond. I am connected to nature and as many living creatures as I can. My cat brings me dead birds and rabbits. I DO NOT consider these 'gifts'. I believe some of you know what I'm talking about regarding some of this if not all. I believe some of you have no desire to understand it!

So, if I walk around saving living creatures (hence, the name Shambala - peace and harmony for all living creatures), I can save myself also.

I am doing just this. I am so connected and sharing all of me to everyone I encounter. Some do not know how to take me. Sometimes I am uncertain of myself just yet. People that have known me 'forever' understand this is how I am rolling right now and pretty much how I've always rolled but much less pronounced.

Yet, my ears still ring loudly. I am still not responding to my inner voice as in a way that is overall best for me. I want to become more aware and do what is best for my dogs and not what they tell me they want. I feel ridiculous sharing and admitting this. This darn truth stuff isn't the easiest, most fun or settling. And, I am not going to stop now.

Just because I just realized this truth this morning and I'm very uncomfortable and somewhat embarrassed by it (maybe because I haven't fully processed it), it is still my truth that I want to do better than how I am handling my dogs now. When I leave them, I have reverse abandonment issues. It is time to believe/know/live that I am not abandoning them. I am simply going on an errand or a trip and they are well taken care of and I am coming back.

So, I am going to be more aware of how much chicken I give these two little dogs and follow what I believe to be best instead of what I believe makes them happy (or at least balance out the two). I am going to leave them knowing that they are perfectly okay and it is better for all if I do want I want when I want that doesn't hurt or affect anyone or anything negatively. My mother was always in the house being there for whomever needed her. Or was it she was always in the house so we wouldn't mess up her house...ha... Could be a little of both!

I'm ready to live, explore, take on adventures, laugh with friends and spend quality time with family. I'm ready to take on a profession and thrive on helping others that want to explore their own self and be everything that they were born to be.

I do not have rules and regulations to live by for a better you. I believe you know what rules and regulations are best for you. I believe you know exactly what you want, need and feel best doing. I don't have the top five foods that everyone 'should' eat. I do know what foods are better fuel for your body than not. I don't have an exact exercise routine that most shapes and fitness levels 'should' follow. I believe that your body can and will tell you what it wants and needs and I can help with this. I don't have five rules you 'should' live by and I do know that you know how to be you from deep inside. All you need to do is give yourself permission, have faith, be in touch with your inner knowing and be willing to change things that need changing; take on new things that are perfect for you now and let go of things that no longer serve you in a positive way. It's not always easy or fearless. It is worth it.

I say JUST BE YOU.   May you learn or want to be the "delusional person as you get off of your unicorn" once in a while. Each of us have our own unique personality and life path that we were on and are one and are heading towards. Let this be your guide to live the rest of your life happy, healthy, fulfilled, individually; together, with ones you love and choose to be with. Does what you show to yourself and the outside world really match up with what is on the inside of you? If it does, your on your way. If it does not; you may have more work.

Whatever scares you most, just may be your biggest challenge and your quickest route to the purpose that you are here for that matters greatly.

This all feels very true for me because of my own experiences, thoughts, beliefs, personality and things that make me me.

My wish is that you feel very true in and out of who you are because of your own experiences, thoughts, beliefs, personality and things that make you you.

We can have it all. All of us.   We only have to believe and lovingly go after it and be open to receive and to share.

Just because my mind tells me I want something, doesn't always mean it really works to be the all of who I am here to be. We all have forks in the road. I believe no route is wrong if we come from love, hope, trust and sharing of same. Some roads are shorter than others. Yet, if we happen to choose a longer path; it is not wrong, it is meant to be. We are all heading towards peace without the chaos because this 'chaos' thing - many of us are unhappy with any more.

Get your happy on and live YOU - LIVE ALL OF YOU. May you connect deeply to who you are and live it fully and aware.

I feel like I am preaching. My goal is not to preach. My goal is to help you better connect to the 'fire/life force" inside of you that makes you want to propel yourself to your next level if it is something that you want for you.

The word of the day at dictionary.com is "muster" -  "to gather, summon, rouse"   LOL Hoot!

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!