Be U: Torture

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Torture

Torture... and I'm doing it to myself.

I arrived 'home' in Pennsylvania, USA, yesterday.   I did not handle things or myself well at all.   I'm embarrassed to say I went into my house with peace and not an hour went by before I lost my sanity. Seeing everything that mattered to me changed, destroyed and put away was too much for me to handle.

I felt violated and lost. I was a stranger in my beautiful home that I had created from scratch and lived in for 15 years. It was so much more than the material things. It was the fact that people I knew, loved; along with strangers, could make me so non-existent. Yes, I had to allow the feeling to happen. I allowed myself to buy totally into this FEELING.

I'm still struggling with what my head knows (that this is the direction I chose and they were helping me) and the way I feel...   I was thrown out of my own home before it was sold.

So, as I process this information that I'm telling myself... I hurt, I'm okay, I'm sad -- I'm changed forever.   I think many have been changed forever with this process.

Just maybe this is how it is all supposed to be.

And, I found myself in a fetal position on my closet floor crying and screaming. Yikes. Not where I wanted to end up and I did not know any other way apparently.

This is huge for me. It's a feeling of being abandoned and told I don't matter and people treating me hurtfully by not making me important enough to tell/ask me about the process.

I have asked the realtor to be certain not EVER to do this to another human being. Please make sure they have all Seller's signatures on the contract sign the Staging Agreement as well.

It hurts way too much. These kinds of surprises can kick me down and down I did go.

I'm still, more or less, sitting on the floor; and, I'm realizing that I am still me... A different me and still me.

I move forward as best I can. Perhaps, this is a gift to create the fuller me that I need to go forward in a more real, full, happy, and loving way.

Yikes. Cannot make this stuff up and I stay a bit numb for protection.

I feel sorry for the people that had to experience the 'me' of yesterday and I hope that they can find it in their beings to forgive, understand and/or try not judge if they do not understand.

My poor dogs didn't know where to hide.   I threw lamps. I never threw anything before. It was a whole new side of me that I did not know existed.

Yikes, I want to stay grounded, strong, loving and open.

All I can do is try and know it is possible.

May you allow yourself to be everything you want to be as much as you possibly can regardless of anything/anyone/any thought(s) you may be experiencing.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!