Be U: Uncharted Territory

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Uncharted Territory

I'm walking through uncharted territory. I wish to be sailing and this is not my truth.

I'm realizing that when my husband does something that hurts me, I go over many things in my head that he has 'done to me' over the 28 years we have been together. (Man, I'm old!)

I realize with this breaking down of my home without my permission or acknowledgement, I'm wanting to blame him again and again. I know that I have my share of responsibility in letting it happen.   I stayed in Florida. I didn't ask questions. I gave permission to put the house up for sale.   I was somewhat at fault as well. And, I so totally rather put the blame all on him. This is not the complete truth, however.   I do take my share of creating same.

I did realize this morning, when I went to the storage unit where some of my personal belongings have been placed, that as I blame him and dislike that this is where my life is, I can also be grateful that I did not have to do the work myself. Yikes. (Don't tell him! lol   I already did.)

I also 'saw' my mind knowing and feeling other things that he may have done over the past 28 years that I have found hurt in.

I realize that I am only hurting myself by thinking this way. I am the only one hurting (other than the backlash I put out - which is hurt enough) so severely by my thoughts. This is what is meant by 'forgiving is about giving oneself peace'. Why am I still allowing myself to hurt from things that happened even one year ago, let alone 25 years ago...   Triple Yikes!

So, as I chose to not think this way (hopefully), I release myself from old hurts, negativity, my own stories that define my thoughts and I am lighter and more free to love openly and trustingly.

Yes, it can produce fear for me to be open for more hurt AND I do believe that whether I trust or not, the pain (if it's mine to have) will come either way.   I may as well live freer, lighter, and more open than closed, shut down and turned off. Yes, if I choose not to trust, I can be looking and examining everyone and thing that comes my way. However, this doesn't feel right for my path. In reality, I've had much, much more love and goodness from people than hurt and pain. For this, I am very grateful.

Bring it on. Uncharted maps/territories get charted all the time. Hmmm

May you stop thinking thoughts that are hurtful to you. Keep only thoughts that feel good on you!

May the time for unlearning what we've learned come easily when it shows itself.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!