Be U: It's Possible

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

It's Possible

I went to the psychiatrist yesterday and he confirmed that it's possible to feel everything and all that I am feeling; knowing what I know and living as I am. I know my life is about this 53 year old woman - me - being completely aware (as best as I can today) and peeking out into the world wondering where I fit in and what I want to be and do while involving myself in today's world. Scary. Unknown. New.

The doctor came up with I have to be out in the world and learn to say 'no' to really know who I am. Yikes.

I want an easier answer than that.   I said that I just want to wake up and feel 'itchy' to do different; feeling good and ready to dive in; so to speak.   He agreed that it could happen this way.

He was concerned about me connecting to people.   I assured him that I am very, deeply, connected to people. He then stated concern about me having fun. Yes, fun could be moreso in my life and I do not feel like I'm missing out.   I know I want to be out, about and having more fun soon and, yet, I'm still getting stronger and firmer in standing in who and what I'm about.

I'm okay with where I am.   I am content.   I do not feel like I am missing out.   I feel like I am processing life through me as I learn, grow, evolve, transform, and connect to all that is and all that may be possible.

It's a big, huge task that I have chosen to take on because of a disease called scleroderma and because of who I am, what I was born to be, what I know and how I feel. This is a tall order that I have encapsulated to be one with myself and all that is. To know peace in chaos and love in darkness; to know trust as much as possible and truth in it's totality with my breath. HUGE.

And, I am here.   I have arrived.   I am whole. I am who I am on the inside showing/sharing myself on the outside.

I'm not sure I'm ready for the world and I'm not sure if the world is ready for me. LOL and there's much truth in this.

So, as I hear the professional tell me that I won't know exactly who I am until I'm out in the world being my true self, I realize that the ringing in the ears may just be about this. I have known that ringing in the ears can be about ability to listen to one's inner voice (Louise Hay).   I know that I am. However, I am not listening to this inner voice while hearing many other voices/thoughts/opinions and needs.   Huge, tall order for me! Mostly because my ability to empathize is very strong. While I am grateful to feel other people's feelings/needs, I cannot allow my own to become at all obsolete (which I certainly have done from time to time in the past).

I'll do it when I do it... If I'm talking about it, I must be contemplating it.   Yikes.  Starting over at 53, is quite the crazy unknown and perhaps biggest dare I have ever set myself up to walk through.

May you walk through what you may have been resistant to do and strongly feel that one day you most likely will be making this move....(a new job/a change in partnership/a new location/a new way of doing things..) May the wait be over.   May the time be now.

May you be all of you with all of the world you encounter. The time has come...!?

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!