Be U: Yin/Yang, etc. etc.

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Monday, January 27, 2014

Yin/Yang, etc. etc.

I am 'in deep' with houses. A house that I wish to let go of up north that has been destroyed by water. A house that I wish to achieve down south that can only be purchased by a online website that does not have much traction as of yet.

I am sad. I am hopeful. I want to quit. I want to learn. I want to hide. I want to put myself right in the middle of it all.

Another way to describe my current state is that I am experiencing both yin and yang simultaneously and am very aware of it. Even though I do not feel okay, I know that I am okay.

"I believe everything and nothing." Sinead O'Connor on OWN said last night and it strongly caught my attention.

I am learning that I sometimes think that I know every thing.   I sometimes think that I know nothing.

I picked a tarot card wondering if I will get 'my' house during this auction or if maybe it's better not to bid too strongly this time around for reasons that are hard to explain but understandable as I learn more about this website. That, maybe, there is a process to it and it is too early in its stage. And, yet, there is no guarantee.

The card I picked was "The World"

The World
"The World is the achievement and culmination of our goals. On the highest level it is the merging of our individual personality with the Anima Mundi, the soul of the world. The Anima Mundi strains the ability of words to describe it, and it can seem paradoxical. To the Neoplatonic philosopher it is the highest form of the divine presence that we can comprehend. It is at the centre and the circumference of being. It is outside space and time, and yet here now. It is composed of neither matter nor energy, but is the mother of both, continually creating the universe. It is the intelligent, compassionate guide that is evident in the evolution of life. It is both masculine and feminine. Though dual-sexed, we call it 'she'."

"The Anima Mundi has been with us guiding us throughout the journey; we could not be alive unless this was so. She was with us when we were the Fool in the beginning. We are still that same fool now; the only difference is that we have dropped our blindfold and have become conscious of her for the first time. Now we are aware of the infinite creative potential that was here all the time. This knowledge is bliss."

From the book "The Alchemical Tarot by Rosemary Ellen Guiley and Robert M. Place

So it seems to me that I am experiencing all that is human. I know that there are way harder things in life to deal with. I know that life can be easier and smoother as well.

I believe there is a reason for everything and whether it shows itself to us or not, it is our choice how we respond, feel and live each day.

I am trying to decide how long I want to sulk in my truth.   I am open to learning the best way to walk through and create a better world for myself and all those I touch.

So, while there is yin/yang in every situation and every person, we can choose to accept it and do our best or sulk and say 'why me'. Perhaps, both are necessary for fulfillment.

I do not know the best answer for anyone other than myself.   Sometimes I do not know the best answer for me.

I do know I will allow where I am to lead me to where I am going as myself. Open heart, faith, truth, love and belief that I have everything inside of me to be all that I am. I am all that I am even when life sets me aback. I am all that I am as I live joyful moments. So are you. It just may be in the 'knowing' of this and the awareness of our 'being' that gives us the best possible 'us' to move forward with.

I do not know what this tarot card has to do with helping me to know/understand/guide me with buying this house. I do know that I am getting many signs that all that I feel now is real and it's okay and it is a must for me to get to the next chapter of my life--to get to a more evolved me.

So, I walk on feeling low. I walk on knowing that I am okay. I walk on in this very different space in the most true self that I have connected to yet since birth.

I still do not want to be this 'nutty' person thinking, feeling, being, sharing this 'crazy talk'. Yet, this is I. This is my purpose today. This is my purpose -- to be my authentic self no matter what.

My greatest joy would be that me being my nutty and authentic self would encourage and allow you to be yours. That our authentic selves will unite as one unit here on our Earth.  That this unity will allow every single, breathing and living creature live the yin and the yang and authenticate our truth.  That THIS TRUTH will make each one of our lives more fulfilling; more complete here on Earth now.

May you live your authentic truth. May you not pick and choose that which you want to either feel or ignore. May you just allow what is inside of you to flow through and out knowing that you are living your purpose because you are allowing the flow of everything inside of you to be within and without your being [just as you are now today]; in love and in light/in fear and in darkness -- Love on.

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!