Be U: Fear

Coming for the Real You.

I'm hoping to share thoughts, fun and insightful information and aha moments with all to better serve ourselves and the universe.

My background is that of Executive Secretary for the local Electric company (11 years).

Certified Personal Trainer (since 1991) and Fitness Consultant for my own company, Beachin Bodies (6 years) and certified in Reiki and Nutrition with training in Cranial Sacral work, Tai Chi, and Meditation. Certified as a Professional Life Coach (2015); Minister at Universal Life Church (2016);

and, possibly, most important,

my own journey through illness and avenues, roads and roadblocks that I have taken to find the real me. (35 plus years).

The me that I was born as. The me that is the all-knowing. I believe the search is endless and we are here to learn and to love and to share it all.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Fear

I have so much in my head that I'm not sure it is a good idea to sit here to type.   I may just embarrass myself more and/or show you how crazy I really can be!

I'm dealing with the tragic disaster that is my house in Pennsylvania. Many inside walls are down. It has touched close to 4,500 sq ft of the house with less than 1,500 sq. ft. not being damaged. It is a huge work in progress and hard to understand and feel comfortable with. I can let great fear in if I think of 'what if'. I can let a bit of ease in if I think of all I have survived through already in my 53 years of living. I know I will survive this too. Good will come out of it. I only need to walk through it. I do love building and creating; picking and choosing colors and textures; set up and flow. It may be a long challenging walk. I have my 'walking shoes' on.

The weather here in Florida is quite cool; in the 50s (Fahrenheit). Yet, the sun is bright; the air crisp for happy breathing and the sky is a brilliant blue that pleases the eye. It invigorates if I don't go in the shade! My body is aware of the drop in temperature.

Little Bear is showing signs of joy!!!!   This is great news for me. I think her body is starting to strengthen and heal. I hesitantly say I couldn't be happier. I know she is going to be joyful and share it with all who come in contact with her. Hooray for Little Bear!

While I had two or three mornings where I was crawling on the floor with hip and back pain, I woke up the last two mornings and got out of bed easily and so grateful. I did a lot of stretches; deep relaxation and cognitive thinking in a way that I tell myself I have whatever comes my way. I am going to enjoy who and what I am in each moment and I'm going to honor myself and others. I walk on in love. I have me. The Universe has me. God has me. Others have me. I am good.

With mindful change; with uncontrolled change; with change... our bodies adapt. Perhaps, in this adaption, our bodies (and minds) have to know some dizziness, some discomfort, some foreign and new 'things'. However, we adapt if we choose to. I choose to adapt as I create the wonderful life that I know is mine to live.

Yes, I have a lot, a lot.   I also have the tools, the love, the awareness, the hope and the imagination to get on it and through it.

And, so do YOU.

May you choose to adapt and bring all of you with you wherever you go. May you honor all that you are and all that is.

Honor - "honesty, fairness, or integrity in one's beliefs and actions (dictionary.com)

I honor because it is who I am. I honor because I feel better doing so. I honor because I know peace when I do.

""Beautiful" Pictures of Nature"

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My Past Story

The first thing I would always tell a new doctor was 'my dad left me when I was 10'. He just disappeared, ran away. It was pretty awful for me. I thought it was my fault as most kids sometimes do. I thought I was unlovable. Years later, 20 maybe, I realized it wasn't just that my dad left me that affected my life, but also that my mom stayed. She stayed and I'll be forever grateful. However, her staying wasn't all peaches and creme. She was so hurt, so distraught, so frightened to raise three kids on her own and find a job that it was very hard for her to be there for me and my needs. I chose to shutdown, be quiet and try not to make it any harder on her as to not ask for much, or voice much, or need much.

Years later, in 11/12th grade, I noticed my fingers being really cold and hurting all the time. I noticed them turning purple and the pain was very 'loud'. Humorously enough, I had chosen to be a secretary and typing was a big part of my everyday. I loved it even. Fingers flying across the keyboard with as little mistakes as possible was the goal. I was pretty good at it. While in typing class, I remember putting my hands on my neck to try to warm them and make them feel better. I was naive enough then to think this must be happening to everyone.

Anyway, years went by and nobody was able to tell me why this was happening or what to do to make it better. Then, approximately 4 years later, I remember (what I felt) was little me sitting across from a really big doctor at his really big desk and him telling me I was allergic to myself. Of course, this was him describing to me what auto-immune meant. I had a disease called scleroderma and it could kill me (sometimes in as little as five years) and I would most likely be on medicine and have it for the rest of my life and there was nothing to change it.

Anyway, almost 30 years later, I've had my share of pain and I'm alive. I've had ulcerations on my fingers and I have lost most of my nails on both hands from lack of circulation and producing too much collagen. My hands are somewhat not a pretty sight and to hit something with one of my fingers by accident (well, I refer to the feeling as 'going to the moon).

When I was about 30, I started looking at alternative medicine and I tried anything that came across my path to try to stop the pain. I have tried many normal and not so normal 'ideas'. I sometimes do not believe at what lengths I went to try to ease my pain and suffering!

This is what has brought me here to this point in my life.

I'm grateful to be able to learn so much about myself and life and I wouldn't take it back (well, some days I might want to).

Something was telling me to blog. I really didn't know much about blogging - I am still a novice at best. Approximately 5 weeks ago, I sat at my computer and started typing.

I am surprised at where my blogs have led me. I thought I was trying to help others and that still is a big goal of mine. However, what I am finding out is that this is a great outlet for me.

A way to feel like I'm doing something. I told a friend this morning about my blog and I said that it's draining because I put everything out there and do not hold back as I post each individual blog; its fun because it does give me an outlet and I feel a little purpose in my life; and it's scary because I don't want anyone laughing at me or telling me that I am completely 'off my rocker'!